Survivors Guilt

Every morning I wake up and open my eyes, roll over and realize it wasn't a nightmare. He's dead. Not deployed. Not at work or in the bathroom. He's gone forever.
It takes me at least 30 minutes to come to terms with it before getting out of bed.

There was a rumor going around that my inlaws suspected me if killing my husband. I know I did not pull the trigger but I do feel I killed him in not saving him. If I could have stopped him, I would have. I'm incarcerated in my own mind. Locked up for not making him better. 
Doctors call it "Survivors Guilt" I call it the lowest I've ever felt in 34 years. 
Every morning I wake up and mentally walk into my prison cell. I've myself now been diagnosed with PTSD. The difference is I WILL get better. I am getting grief counseling and medication to overcome or at least catch up to this.

Someday once the fog burns off I feel pretty good. Somedays I just stay in bed. Everyone is worried about me. They ask what I need and I just don't have an answer. I don't know what I need. I have no clue what comes next. 

The only thing I know is tomorrow morning will come, I will open my eyes and again realize he's not coming home. I don't care about the title widow, or the rumors nearly as much as I care about working toward the morning when I wake up, open my eyes and just to be thankful for a new day and a fresh start. 

My rational brain says I couldn't change a thing. My heart screams I FAILED HIM!

My rational brain knows he was sick and I tried for years to get him help. My heart says I wasn't a good enough wife to make him want to stay. I didn't try hard enough.

My mind is like a prison cell. I don't know how long I'll be serving time. I've been doing a lot of research in the prison library so maybe I will get a reduced sentence for good behavior.

Survivors Guilt. It's a bitch.

Comments

  1. Marci GebhardtOctober 21, 2013 at 9:13 PM

    I can not imagine the suffering you must be going through and won't pretend to understand... For me, when life knocks me to my knees, what has helped me drag myself out of the dirt has often been repetitive inspirational phrases referencing my faith. Some of my favorites are; "God didn't promise days without pain laughter without sorrow nor sun without rain but he did promise strength for the day comfort for the tears and light for the way" Another is; "Courage is simply fear that said it's prayers..." and yet another of my favorites.... " I pray not for fewer burdons, but broader shoulders" I hope you too might find a little comfort from that which has provided so much for me... God bless you!

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