It's been a month now.

At 11:17 tonight it will be a month he's been gone. I am not angry today. Sad, lonely and feeling abandoned. His death has had an effect on me in so many ways. My self confidence is at an all time low. I tried so hard to help him. 
My rational brain says he was sick and it wasn't my fault but my heart says I should have been a better wife. I should have given him more of a reason to stick around. There was no goodbye. No chance for me to plead with him to stay. He left no note. No closure at all.
I was married to him for almost 11 years. He and the kids were my life. I dropped everything to follow him, happily, wherever the Marines sent us. Now, there is no kiss goodbye every morning. I don't make him lunch. I have to stop myself from making purchases for him at the grocery store. I still pull a plate  out for him at dinner time. 
I've never been alone. I don't know how to do it. I've never made a choice without considering his opinion. I feel empty. 
The season premier to his favorite show is on tonight but I don't know if I can even watch it.
I wonder if I will ever be able to love again? I'm damaged goods. Will my children ever have a father figure? How can I ever trust anyone who comes around? I'm 35, have three children, divorced once....widowed once. It's not a good track record. I loved being married and committed. I have to learn to do this alone because he's not coming back. I'm scared. 

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