I Think I Am Ready Now
Read Me First
On September 15th at 11:17pm my husband committed suicide.
I was standing just on the other side of the garage door when it happened. The shot rings in my ears even as I type. I knew it was a close range shot. There was no echo just silence. For a moment I froze. Time stood still. My kids were asleep just ten feet away from the door.
It was a great Sunday, I made a Fall wreath for the front door, baked a fabulous chicken. Just a usual Sunday, really. Except Mike seemed a bit off. Anxious. More than his usual.
That evening after the kids went to bed my sister and I were doing facials in her room. Laughing and goofing around as we do. When my clay mask dried I went into the bathroom to wash it off. Mike paced in and out twice before I asked him if he needed anything. He looked at me with a stare that I didn't recognize and said "I want you and the kids to have a beautiful life." He walked across the hall into our room and closed the door. I was puzzled but what that meant so I began toward the door. As I got close I heard the bolt of the rifle click. I panicked. I pushed my sister into the bathroom, whispered hes got a gun in there. I immediately called 911. A Marine never carries a gun unless he is on duty or plans to use it. He wasn't on duty. We NEVER kept guns in our room. They were always locked up in the garage. ALWAYS.
He walked right past me without making eye contact. His rifle was in the case on his arm and unzipped. He got to the steps and realized I was on the phone with 911. He turned to me and said "you called the fucking COPS?" I said "YES! You are walking around with a loaded rifle!" He turned around ans began down the other set of step where our children's rooms are located. On instinct I followed him and got him toward the garage. Once he was in the garage I tried to lock him in. The door would not lock. I held my body weight on the door as he pushed trying to get back in. I figured if he was going to shoot through the door it would get me and my body would at least slow him down long enough for my sister and kids to get out. I told him to just stay in the garage until he calmed down. A few minutes later the pushing stopped and then the shot. Silence. I did not open the door.
I told the 911 operator "hes fired the rifle!" She calmly told me to get my kids as fast as I could and just run. Get as far away as possible. I ran across the hall to the get the kids. I shook them and told them I had a surprise for them. It was all I could do to not scare them. The only thing that came to mind. I grabbed them. My sister grabbed my nephew and we ran to a neighbors house. We put the kids down in her basement family room with no windows to keep them unaware of the situation. The adults went back upstairs and that's when the SWAT team began to arrive. They were everywhere. I told the operator he shoots expert with a rifle. They were prepared for the worst.
The police called his phone several times and tried to communicate with him. The calls went unanswered. After nearly three hours they notified me that he was deceased. The police officer said I saved my family that night. He had three more full metal jackets lying beside him when he went in.
I puked in the neighbors yard.
It was several more hours until the coroners office finished. They didn't need positive ID. He had only his Drivers License in his gym shorts pocket. He never carried his license like that. It was always in his wallet. He had been planing this? But how long?
The next day when we were allowed back home I noticed that he smashed two external hard drives and disabled his computer as well. Why?
His behavior for the last 7 years grew increasingly weird. He was paranoid. Always sneaking up on me, shredding all the mail. He was always tired. Could not sleep. He was short tempered with me and the kids daily. He always blamed it on work, or an upcoming inspection, or training mission. I told him once that hes the most unhappy person I have ever met. I regret that now. It became so constant that the children and I understood this was his new "normal".
For the last year he was on active duty his mood was a bit lighter. We were finally going to get to start our life on OUR terms. All the plans and dreams we had for the past decade together were going to happen. He'd finally SMILE again.
The first few weeks back home were fun. But slowly he started to fall back into the same deep depression. He would sit in the garage for hours doing nothing. Just sitting. He began to drink heavily. Several nights a week. I asked him about it and his answer was he just retired and deserved to live it up a bit. At first I believed it but after three months I asked him what void inside him was he trying to fill with booze. He could tell me, I could help. He said he wanted a divorce because I didn't want to "party". Well, I was the only one working. I have to be up at 5am. I cant just "party". His drinking led to more irresponsibility. He was showering maybe once a week. Screaming at the kids over everything. EVERYTHING. He told me he wanted me to quit my job because he thinks I was having an affair. All the while he was struggling with the VA to pay his school tuition. It took a few months.
On fourth of July when the bottle rockets were going off he had an absolute meltdown. I thought he was joking at first. He was not. It really messed him up.
When he finally did start school I hoped that would pull him out if it but instead it just added stress. He was still erratic. He was going through my phone, logging into my facebook and changing profile information. He was treating my kids like they were prisoners. One afternoon he got up in my sons face and called him a pussy and told him to take a swing....I dare you.
I could no longer let him destroy himself or hurt my kids. I asked him to go to his moms, get the appropriate help and we will go from there. He refused. Finally the Thursday before he killed himself he called a therapist. He told me there was a 6 week wait to be seen.
Since hes passed nothing has gone right. The wrong funeral home took his body in error. He had life insurance for 120 days after retirement. He killed himself on the 136th day. I couldn't even pay for his cremation. Most importantly, I have three kids so heartbroken and I cannot fix it.
I begged his CO/XO whateverO in 2005 to help him and he was suicidal. They did nothing but punish him. He went back to Iraq three more times after that. All he wanted to do was serve his country but when he needed them no one was around. Theses policies have to change. These people need help. They are not weak. He was sick. No one noticed or cared.
Another Video I made him for our tenth anniversary.
For Mike on our tenth anniversary
On September 15th at 11:17pm my husband committed suicide.
I was standing just on the other side of the garage door when it happened. The shot rings in my ears even as I type. I knew it was a close range shot. There was no echo just silence. For a moment I froze. Time stood still. My kids were asleep just ten feet away from the door.
It was a great Sunday, I made a Fall wreath for the front door, baked a fabulous chicken. Just a usual Sunday, really. Except Mike seemed a bit off. Anxious. More than his usual.
That evening after the kids went to bed my sister and I were doing facials in her room. Laughing and goofing around as we do. When my clay mask dried I went into the bathroom to wash it off. Mike paced in and out twice before I asked him if he needed anything. He looked at me with a stare that I didn't recognize and said "I want you and the kids to have a beautiful life." He walked across the hall into our room and closed the door. I was puzzled but what that meant so I began toward the door. As I got close I heard the bolt of the rifle click. I panicked. I pushed my sister into the bathroom, whispered hes got a gun in there. I immediately called 911. A Marine never carries a gun unless he is on duty or plans to use it. He wasn't on duty. We NEVER kept guns in our room. They were always locked up in the garage. ALWAYS.
He walked right past me without making eye contact. His rifle was in the case on his arm and unzipped. He got to the steps and realized I was on the phone with 911. He turned to me and said "you called the fucking COPS?" I said "YES! You are walking around with a loaded rifle!" He turned around ans began down the other set of step where our children's rooms are located. On instinct I followed him and got him toward the garage. Once he was in the garage I tried to lock him in. The door would not lock. I held my body weight on the door as he pushed trying to get back in. I figured if he was going to shoot through the door it would get me and my body would at least slow him down long enough for my sister and kids to get out. I told him to just stay in the garage until he calmed down. A few minutes later the pushing stopped and then the shot. Silence. I did not open the door.
I told the 911 operator "hes fired the rifle!" She calmly told me to get my kids as fast as I could and just run. Get as far away as possible. I ran across the hall to the get the kids. I shook them and told them I had a surprise for them. It was all I could do to not scare them. The only thing that came to mind. I grabbed them. My sister grabbed my nephew and we ran to a neighbors house. We put the kids down in her basement family room with no windows to keep them unaware of the situation. The adults went back upstairs and that's when the SWAT team began to arrive. They were everywhere. I told the operator he shoots expert with a rifle. They were prepared for the worst.
The police called his phone several times and tried to communicate with him. The calls went unanswered. After nearly three hours they notified me that he was deceased. The police officer said I saved my family that night. He had three more full metal jackets lying beside him when he went in.
I puked in the neighbors yard.
It was several more hours until the coroners office finished. They didn't need positive ID. He had only his Drivers License in his gym shorts pocket. He never carried his license like that. It was always in his wallet. He had been planing this? But how long?
The next day when we were allowed back home I noticed that he smashed two external hard drives and disabled his computer as well. Why?
His behavior for the last 7 years grew increasingly weird. He was paranoid. Always sneaking up on me, shredding all the mail. He was always tired. Could not sleep. He was short tempered with me and the kids daily. He always blamed it on work, or an upcoming inspection, or training mission. I told him once that hes the most unhappy person I have ever met. I regret that now. It became so constant that the children and I understood this was his new "normal".
For the last year he was on active duty his mood was a bit lighter. We were finally going to get to start our life on OUR terms. All the plans and dreams we had for the past decade together were going to happen. He'd finally SMILE again.
The first few weeks back home were fun. But slowly he started to fall back into the same deep depression. He would sit in the garage for hours doing nothing. Just sitting. He began to drink heavily. Several nights a week. I asked him about it and his answer was he just retired and deserved to live it up a bit. At first I believed it but after three months I asked him what void inside him was he trying to fill with booze. He could tell me, I could help. He said he wanted a divorce because I didn't want to "party". Well, I was the only one working. I have to be up at 5am. I cant just "party". His drinking led to more irresponsibility. He was showering maybe once a week. Screaming at the kids over everything. EVERYTHING. He told me he wanted me to quit my job because he thinks I was having an affair. All the while he was struggling with the VA to pay his school tuition. It took a few months.
On fourth of July when the bottle rockets were going off he had an absolute meltdown. I thought he was joking at first. He was not. It really messed him up.
When he finally did start school I hoped that would pull him out if it but instead it just added stress. He was still erratic. He was going through my phone, logging into my facebook and changing profile information. He was treating my kids like they were prisoners. One afternoon he got up in my sons face and called him a pussy and told him to take a swing....I dare you.
I could no longer let him destroy himself or hurt my kids. I asked him to go to his moms, get the appropriate help and we will go from there. He refused. Finally the Thursday before he killed himself he called a therapist. He told me there was a 6 week wait to be seen.
Since hes passed nothing has gone right. The wrong funeral home took his body in error. He had life insurance for 120 days after retirement. He killed himself on the 136th day. I couldn't even pay for his cremation. Most importantly, I have three kids so heartbroken and I cannot fix it.
I begged his CO/XO whateverO in 2005 to help him and he was suicidal. They did nothing but punish him. He went back to Iraq three more times after that. All he wanted to do was serve his country but when he needed them no one was around. Theses policies have to change. These people need help. They are not weak. He was sick. No one noticed or cared.
Another Video I made him for our tenth anniversary.
For Mike on our tenth anniversary
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