Today I realized...

I loved being married. I enjoyed all the domestic things I did everyday. I kissed Mike goodbye when he left for work. I had lunch ready when he came home everyday. I made sure the house was clean and dinner was cooking when he walked in the door after work. 
I only cooked for him. The kids would be completely content with ramen or a bowl of cereal for supper if they could get away with it. I got really good at making amazing dinners for him to try. He would tell me it was amazing and thank me even if he hated it.
My favorite time of night was the quiet time just after the kids went to bed. Usually we would be playing our respective phone games but we were there together. 

It was a mundane routine life but I was content. Even on the days his temper was short, he was moody and just really hard to please. It was our life. All I ever wanted was to be a good mom and wife. I tried my hardest to make great memories for our family.

Don't get me wrong, I had flaws. I was unorganized. Easily distracted and could never find anything but that was just us.

I realized today that I will never get that back. I will most likely never be a wife again. My kids won't have a dad. It's the worst feeling in the world.

Who would want a once divorced, once widowed middle aged lady with three kids? It's not on a mans mental list of qualities of a prospective wives.

I will never have someone to kiss goodbye as I rush out the door, late as usual, to whatever I'm heading to. No one will teach the boys to be a man. No one will walk Kira down the aisle on her wedding day. I will have no one to grow old with.

I have to make peace with that. When he left this life he changed our lives forever. There is a huge hole where he's supposed to be. 

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