My Worst Fear

Once upon a time my worst fear was that one of my kids would die. After the loss of their father I realized that the survivors are the ones who suffer...not the dead. Someday, when they go to heaven they will feel no pain, no loss, no anger, no resentment. They will be surrounded by light. It would be me who felt the grief.

My worst fear is that I should die. I would leave them alone in the world, orphans. That is my fear. Unlike my husband I want to live. I want to be here for them for all the highs and lows in their ever changing lives. If I were gone they would have to live the rest of their days with neither of us to love and guide them. That scares me most. Yes, at times living is a struggle now but I am determined to help them become all they were meant to be.

Its always in the back of my mind. I avoid taking risks because of this fear. Its in my thoughts when I start my car and put my seat belt on. Its a fleeting consideration when I kiss them good night. I'm trying to not make it into "intervention level" fear but its always there. The air of anxiety. Just knowing I am it. I am all they have to hold on to. The one constant since birth.

They deserve to have one of us see them through their journey. I don't want them to ever, for even a second; feel abandoned. There is nothing I want more than to be active and present in their world. I want to see them graduate and drop them off at college. I want to see my daughter in her wedding dress and kiss my new grand babies. I want to be the one they call when they have hard choice and want advice. I hope the Lord sees fit to allow me the privilege. 

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