Things I Can Never Say Aloud
My life now is the best possible case scenario after the great loss of my husband. Not everyone is as fortunate. My kids are doing so amazing. So well adjusted. Magna Cum Laude in the Honor Society. They are social and kind. They are so resilient. I have a partner who truly treats me like an equal. He is supportive, so connected and understanding. Most of all he loves my kids. He knows the perfect balance of being a loving father figure and honoring their dad. Hes proud of them and their relationship is so wonderful. We have material possessions, food in the fridge, money in the bank and laughter in our home.
That's why...it weighs so heavily on my heart feeling an emptiness. Its a hollow, numb dark and lonely place.
It's a domino effect because the sadness leads to guilt because I realize and appreciate fully, all the gifts we have been given. My life is beautiful. I feel guilty because I have such a great life just three years after my soul mate died. And that rolls into guilt for not living in the moment and still feeling so broken inside.
It comes and goes. Holidays are the absolute worst. This is the third Christmas without him. Its the worst so far. Time doesn't heal in this respect. The first Christmas I was still in such shock. I was doing anything I could to make up to the kids for their dad dying. I was still in the fog of disbelief and truthfully, over medicated. The second Christmas we had moved across the country and it was our big fresh start. We were making new traditions and still in the glow of moving back to sunny San Diego. This Christmas things have settled and I am able to really sit with my thoughts.
I just today realized how depressed I am. I am not a harm to myself or others. I just cant seem to get it together. I don't bother getting dressed. I never leave the house unless its necessary. I have no Christmas cheer. Its 2 days until Christmas and I haven't wrapped a single gift. I am not sleeping well. I avoid social media. I haven't been on Facebook in over a week I think. I just don't want to see the happy holiday posting. I don't want to talk to people about my pathetic ache when I outwardly have everything. I know it elicits eye rolls. I know they think I should be over it. How can I be happy in a new relationship and have a great life and still be such a whiner? I understand that not ever one understands how grief works and how the waves of emotion ebb and flow.
Holidays and the kids birthdays are just hard. They will always be. I have accepted it. I have it down now. There is nothing I can do or anything that can be said. I can just know that its going to pass and focus on coming out of the deep hole I crawl into each year. Mason turned 11 last week. It dawned on me that he was eight when his dad died. Hes early a teenager. Hes missing so much.
I also don't want people to feel sorry for me or treat me like I am a delicate flower. I don't want pity. I just need to get through the holiday.
I called Sean "Mike" yesterday for the first time as long as I can remember. I find myself talking to Mike when I'm in the car alone a lot lately. The stereo in the car is weird and it randomly switches stations on its own. It always seems to switch to a song that reminds me of him. Honestly, after knowing someone for 20 years there is no song that doesn't have a memory tied to it. But...it makes me smile. I feel better afterward. That's all that matters.
I am also still really hurt about the situation between his parents and us. His mom has always sent Mason a birthday card. Every year his whole life. She didn't this year. She didn't call or text or contact us at all. I have kept my word and kept in contact. When we moved I let them know our new address. I sent them the kids school photos. I am remaining positive when the kids ask about them...which is pretty often. I feel terrible for them. They didn't lose just a dad. They lost a whole family. I am so grateful that Sean's parents are so good to us. They called him and sent him a card for his birthday. While i was so happy to see it, it also pained me knowing his blood grandparents did nothing. Hes the family name sake. The only Blum boy in the generation. He carries on their legacy. That should mean something. My kids are also a living breathing connection to their son. The are an extension of him. He is alive in their eyes and in their smiles. I pray that they have some sort of a relationship before its too late. It wont be because I cut them off if not. I know its the right thing to do. I know that's what Mike would want.
I guess I am writing this down so that other survivors struggling this holiday season know they aren't alone. You can have everything and still have moments where life has no meaning and getting out of bed seems like the biggest task. Its part of grief. It will pass. I will be back but eventually you will learn the "schedule" of your grief. You can prepare for it but from what I've seen it hits you just as hard regardless. All you can really do is accept it and feel whatever it is you do. Honor your feeling. Its OK, its normal. If it comes and does not pass with time, see a doctor. It may not be average holiday grief.
I'm also blogging this so my friends and family will stop frantically calling texting and facebooking me worried. All asking me if I'm OK. I appreciate your thoughts. The truth is I'm not OK but I will be. The answer is complicated. The situation is complicated. Loss is complicated.
That's why...it weighs so heavily on my heart feeling an emptiness. Its a hollow, numb dark and lonely place.
It's a domino effect because the sadness leads to guilt because I realize and appreciate fully, all the gifts we have been given. My life is beautiful. I feel guilty because I have such a great life just three years after my soul mate died. And that rolls into guilt for not living in the moment and still feeling so broken inside.
It comes and goes. Holidays are the absolute worst. This is the third Christmas without him. Its the worst so far. Time doesn't heal in this respect. The first Christmas I was still in such shock. I was doing anything I could to make up to the kids for their dad dying. I was still in the fog of disbelief and truthfully, over medicated. The second Christmas we had moved across the country and it was our big fresh start. We were making new traditions and still in the glow of moving back to sunny San Diego. This Christmas things have settled and I am able to really sit with my thoughts.
I just today realized how depressed I am. I am not a harm to myself or others. I just cant seem to get it together. I don't bother getting dressed. I never leave the house unless its necessary. I have no Christmas cheer. Its 2 days until Christmas and I haven't wrapped a single gift. I am not sleeping well. I avoid social media. I haven't been on Facebook in over a week I think. I just don't want to see the happy holiday posting. I don't want to talk to people about my pathetic ache when I outwardly have everything. I know it elicits eye rolls. I know they think I should be over it. How can I be happy in a new relationship and have a great life and still be such a whiner? I understand that not ever one understands how grief works and how the waves of emotion ebb and flow.
Holidays and the kids birthdays are just hard. They will always be. I have accepted it. I have it down now. There is nothing I can do or anything that can be said. I can just know that its going to pass and focus on coming out of the deep hole I crawl into each year. Mason turned 11 last week. It dawned on me that he was eight when his dad died. Hes early a teenager. Hes missing so much.
I also don't want people to feel sorry for me or treat me like I am a delicate flower. I don't want pity. I just need to get through the holiday.
I called Sean "Mike" yesterday for the first time as long as I can remember. I find myself talking to Mike when I'm in the car alone a lot lately. The stereo in the car is weird and it randomly switches stations on its own. It always seems to switch to a song that reminds me of him. Honestly, after knowing someone for 20 years there is no song that doesn't have a memory tied to it. But...it makes me smile. I feel better afterward. That's all that matters.
I am also still really hurt about the situation between his parents and us. His mom has always sent Mason a birthday card. Every year his whole life. She didn't this year. She didn't call or text or contact us at all. I have kept my word and kept in contact. When we moved I let them know our new address. I sent them the kids school photos. I am remaining positive when the kids ask about them...which is pretty often. I feel terrible for them. They didn't lose just a dad. They lost a whole family. I am so grateful that Sean's parents are so good to us. They called him and sent him a card for his birthday. While i was so happy to see it, it also pained me knowing his blood grandparents did nothing. Hes the family name sake. The only Blum boy in the generation. He carries on their legacy. That should mean something. My kids are also a living breathing connection to their son. The are an extension of him. He is alive in their eyes and in their smiles. I pray that they have some sort of a relationship before its too late. It wont be because I cut them off if not. I know its the right thing to do. I know that's what Mike would want.
I guess I am writing this down so that other survivors struggling this holiday season know they aren't alone. You can have everything and still have moments where life has no meaning and getting out of bed seems like the biggest task. Its part of grief. It will pass. I will be back but eventually you will learn the "schedule" of your grief. You can prepare for it but from what I've seen it hits you just as hard regardless. All you can really do is accept it and feel whatever it is you do. Honor your feeling. Its OK, its normal. If it comes and does not pass with time, see a doctor. It may not be average holiday grief.
I'm also blogging this so my friends and family will stop frantically calling texting and facebooking me worried. All asking me if I'm OK. I appreciate your thoughts. The truth is I'm not OK but I will be. The answer is complicated. The situation is complicated. Loss is complicated.
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