Death vs Divorce

They say there is a grief in divorce. It is after all the death of a marriage. I was married the first time very young...right out of high school. The marriage lasted a quick four years. We were both too young to truly appreciate or even understand the commitment of marriage. We had a three year old son when our divorce was final. I can recall the period of grief in the wake of our separation. The feelings of guilt of sadness at the end of our union. But that's where the similarities end in my experience. There shouldn't even be a comparison.

In my divorce I was allowed the luxury of screaming and shouting and venting to my future ex husband.  I could tell him how I felt and even blame him for his part in the dissolution of our marriage. I could look him I his eye and see his emotion too. I could harbor resentment and anger toward him. These feelings are typical and acceptable in a divorce. It's average. It's expected. We spent years in court fighting over custody of our son. We made may mistakes...together. Before during and even after we were married. At the end of the day and even 15 years later we are still partners in raising our teenage son. After all the fighting and anger, hurt, and resentment we were able to make amends and raise our son together harmoniously. We are partner on our sons team. 20 years later I respect him and appreciate his role in my life.

 This is NOTHING like the experience of my late husband's suicide. I have no one to blame. I never said good bye. I can't yell at him. I can't cry and beg him. He was there one night and gone by sun up. I have no one to confer with on raising our two younger children. I am not sharing in the responsibility of loving them. I can't blame their dad when they complain. I am solely responsible. The weight of the world is on my shoulders. I will never get the chance to hash it out with him. I will not get to look into his eyes and tell him how hurt I am that he's gone. He's not gone because we both made mistakes...he's gone due to illness. You can't yell at an illness. You can't beg an illness to just stay here with us. Mental illness is not rational, it has no feelings, no emotion. It does not care how much you want your loved one to keep living. It does not discriminate. 

There will be a longing and an emptiness for the rest of my life. The grief is not periodic as there is no way for us to move forward together. Our relationship will never evolve. It just stopped. Now the effort to get past all the feelings is only mine. It's entirely up to me to get through the pain. What was a joint marital issue became a personal problem. His life and death were mine to process. He went from being a living breathing extension of myself to being nothing more than a "concept". 

When you divorce you are expected with time to get over the person and move on . You can remarry if you choose and continue your journey in life. Divorce is common. People understand the baggage the comes with becoming involved with divorced individuals. Becoming involved with a widow is foreign. Especially at the early stage in life. Widows will never be "over" their late spouse. No matter how much others want. They simply become part of the relationship. Especially when children are involved.  

I was personally very lucky to find a partner who is secure enough to love us and honor my late husband and my kids dad.

If your prospective mate cannot handle this, it's best for them to move on. That is hard. It takes a strong person to withstand the unique relationship. It's a bit like a divorcee moving in with the kids the dog and the ex husband. One big happy family. In divorce the kids are able to spend time with both parents regardless of who their new partners become. With death we include their dad in our every day life. His photos line our walls, we share stories and openly speak his name with love and fondness. You'd NEvER see this with divorce. The boundaries and far different. 

One of the biggest regrets in my life was the behavior I had during the custody fight with my first husband. We said and did things that hurt eachother and most of all hurt our son. It was in that experience I learned so much. That experience prepared me for the unfortunate future death of my late husband. I will never ever speak ill of him to my kids. That is something I neglected in the custody fight.   I saw how our shitty behavior hurt our poor baby.  In that way, my two younger kids are luckier. But in death and ridiculous custody fights...there are no real "winners". We all lose.

There was extreme pain in both cases. There will be great lessons in both experiences...with time, 

I've come to the point now where there is no anger. I can appreciate both men as very important parts of my life. My first husband was able to move on and marry. He had more children and has a beautiful life. Mike, my late husband died with the American Dream. He had the wife and kids he always wanted, he served his country proudly, he had a beautiful home and dog who loved him. He was enrolled in school and working toward his dream. I know he died because he was sick. It wasn't something I did. He didn't do it to punish us. It was part of his illness. 

It took a couple years to really reconcile the loss. A wide range of emotion and a lot of personal growth occurred.  I grew personally with the divorce of my first husband and death of my second. They can really only be loosely compared as they vastly different experiences.   

With both I was gifted with beautiful children. I now have a nearly 17 year old son, an 11 year old son and a 9 year old daughter. They are the reason I work hard to learn from all that life gives me. They are the gift for all the pain I've endured. They are also proof I'm doing something right.