Delayed Grief
I was helping a fellow widow today with her VA fight for Service Connection and DIC. Her story is eerily similar to mine. Shes struggling much the way I was in that period.
Our grief is delayed in situations when having to shift all of our focus on fighting the VA during a death claim. We cannot focus on our hurt, pain, frustration, acceptance of our loss because we go into battle mode. The topic becomes a matter of business. The person we loved and lost is spoken of cold and matter of fact. We say the word "suicide" as if its just a technicality. The entirety of the loss can not be processed because we have to fight to protect his name and provide for our kids.
It isn't until the VA fight is over and we no longer have that focus and drive in our mission that we can really grieve. We absolutely feel it through the process but we have a way of projecting all the feelings we have about our loss on the VA. THEY are the reason we are so upset. THEY make us cry. THEY make us lose hope. In reality, those feelings would be present regardless. But for a period of time all the blame is conveniently aimed at the department of Veteran Affairs. And they make great target via their ridiculous processes rules regulations and exclusions. Dealing with the VA was the single most defeating experience after Mikes death. I felt like I had to defend him to the VA. I felt like I had to justify his PTSD. I absolutely had to prove his condition to them.
After the fight was over and the claim was approved I really began to reassess my feelings. I could focus on the loss. I am finding that this is common across the board with widows in our shoes. I want you all to know if this sounds familiar you're normal because it is or has happened to us too.
Don't be surprised if after the amazing triumph of winning Service Connection DIC and saving the honor of the man you loved...if you don't feel even more depressed once the glow fades. Its because you now are working on YOU. Now the real healing can begin. Its hard but its a sign of progress. Getting through the grief is not easy. If its easy something is probably wrong. Allow yourself to go to that ugly place and really examine your feelings. There is no right or wrong way to go about it but I have never met a widow sailing smoothly after the death of her husband.
And remember you're not alone. Were here. We've got your 6.
Our grief is delayed in situations when having to shift all of our focus on fighting the VA during a death claim. We cannot focus on our hurt, pain, frustration, acceptance of our loss because we go into battle mode. The topic becomes a matter of business. The person we loved and lost is spoken of cold and matter of fact. We say the word "suicide" as if its just a technicality. The entirety of the loss can not be processed because we have to fight to protect his name and provide for our kids.
It isn't until the VA fight is over and we no longer have that focus and drive in our mission that we can really grieve. We absolutely feel it through the process but we have a way of projecting all the feelings we have about our loss on the VA. THEY are the reason we are so upset. THEY make us cry. THEY make us lose hope. In reality, those feelings would be present regardless. But for a period of time all the blame is conveniently aimed at the department of Veteran Affairs. And they make great target via their ridiculous processes rules regulations and exclusions. Dealing with the VA was the single most defeating experience after Mikes death. I felt like I had to defend him to the VA. I felt like I had to justify his PTSD. I absolutely had to prove his condition to them.
After the fight was over and the claim was approved I really began to reassess my feelings. I could focus on the loss. I am finding that this is common across the board with widows in our shoes. I want you all to know if this sounds familiar you're normal because it is or has happened to us too.
Don't be surprised if after the amazing triumph of winning Service Connection DIC and saving the honor of the man you loved...if you don't feel even more depressed once the glow fades. Its because you now are working on YOU. Now the real healing can begin. Its hard but its a sign of progress. Getting through the grief is not easy. If its easy something is probably wrong. Allow yourself to go to that ugly place and really examine your feelings. There is no right or wrong way to go about it but I have never met a widow sailing smoothly after the death of her husband.
And remember you're not alone. Were here. We've got your 6.
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