Moments of Anger

Eventhough we're rapidly approaching 2016 and it'll be the third calendar year since Mike's suicide I still experience brief flashes of anger and resentment. Not at him, exactly. At the whole situation.

My friends husband's are all beginning to retire and move on to the next phase of their lives and it reminds me of how excited we were right before Mike retired and how hopeful we were about the next chapter in our lives. He told me once if I gave him and the Marines the first 20 years...the following 20 was all mine. I guess he wasn't wrong. It is all mine. He's gone now. That's not at all what I had in mind. I just really pisses me off. I stuck out all the deployments, moving cross country, his PTSD and disappointments. I got 135 days after the Marines chewed Him Up AND Spit Him out...

Luckily the bursts are fleeting. I feel it and get through it. Put it behind me.

Why didn't we get to do all the things we worked so hard for? We both earned it. I am so happy for all my friends making their retirement dreams come true. I had to come up with new dreams. That makes me resentful at times. I miss him. I will for the rest of my life. I get really sad when I realize how life can keep going with him gone. The world keeps turning, everyone keeps charging along seamlessly.

It's probably going to take a long time to completely let go of all the plans we'd made for the future...plans we'll never get to even begin to acomplish. I try to be gentle on myself. No one is to blame. Life can be cruel.

Despite the overwhelming devastation, life after his death has been ok. We are lucky to have gotten through it and we still smile. I have to remind myself it's alright to enjoy life. No need to punish myself any more. His death is punishment enough.

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