Autoimmune Disease and PTSD

Seems like an odd paring but in the past two years I've noticed a connection. I don't talk much about it but I have a combination of autoimmune disorders. I was first diagnosed with one at age 30. In the years following, after seeing a long line of specialists it was discovered I had another and possibly a third. Now pushing 37 I monitor them closely and receive treatment to maintain. I have blood tests to check my hormone levels and make sure I take my medication as prescribed.

It took about three years for the doctors to decide what exactly was wrong with me. I felt as if I were dying. I went from running 6 miles a day to barely being able to get out of bed. I was given antidepressants at first. I think that's the go to for doctors who don't quite get the full picture. After seeing a therapist, an endocrinologist, a rhumatologist, a neurologist...all the "ologists" really...it was determined I had a thyroid condition. My body does not produce adequate moisture. Cysts also form on certain organs when I get sick. After having benign complex cysts or nodules removed from both my ovary and thyroid they determined this is also linked to my condition.

It sounds a little scary but basically all it really means is my immune system is wonky and doesn't attack the sickness in my body, rather it goes on the attack at my organs. Whenever I have a MRI they mention cysts. Ultrasounds as well. At first it terrified me. I'd wait paralyzed with fear for the results of the biopsy. For days I'd consider my mortality. I'd worry what my husband and kids would do in my absence.

The stress only made me more sick. Stress weakens the immune system. When you already have a compromised immune system...there is mutiny within.

Looking back now I began exhibiting symptoms of my condition in the height of Mikes PTSD. The stress at home was overwhelming. It became our usual. My head knew it but my body hadn't quite caught up. In the three years leading up to Mikes death I had several surgeries, biopsies, scans, steroid treatments and chaos.

I took the brunt of the stress at home and it really wreaked havoc internally. I never connected the two until he'd died and my autoimmune issues calmed down. I actually thought for a small period of time they completely disappeared. I was under a different type of stress after he died.

I think the truth was my grief overshadowed anything else that could go on in my body. The grief consumed me. It could be blamed for any fatigue, pain, ache etc. My illness became the least of my problems. For a year after he died it was all about heartache. I was in such a fog that I could have probably had my arm severed and not realized it.

The grief fog and the tyroid fog sort of just met in the middle for a super cell weather system. I kept taking my medication but was diagnosed with PTSD after his suicide so I didn't have a clue what my body was telling me. I was given medication for sleep for anxiety and depression on top of the medication previously prescribed. I lost touch my body. It had become an enemy. I didn't know what was the PTSD, the autoimmune disease, the ADD...

After the grief and PTSD was addressed and I began to manage those symptoms, like magic I noticed the old autoimmune quirks materializing. I was not out of the woods at all. I thought what a tragedy. Poor me. I was also angry at my husband for the first time. Why did he take his life when he knew how sick I was? And he left me a single parent to our children this way?! Talk about being screwed over!

Obviously, I can understand the mindset of someone who is suicidal in hindsight. He wasn't thinking rationally. He couldn't see past his own pain. He actually thought disappearing would HELP us. That is how dysfunctional his brain worked.

Now the grief and autoimmune are beginning to bully my body. This week is the 2nd anniversary of his death. September's incredibly hard for me emotionally. Its suicide prevention month, the anniversary of his passing and his birthday a week later. I know it coming and try to take me it easy but still my body revolts.

I got a tooth ache a few days ago. I woke up this morning and my entire jaw is swollen three times it's normal size. In most people a tooth ache is just that...but me no...I get an abscesses tooth. Go big or go home my body says. Instead of my immune system attacking the illness it's off dancing around my thyroid or other organs, completely indifferent.

My immune system is a pychopath.

Having preexisting conditions in the wake of grief is a double whammy. I don't know if there is a scientific connection between autoimmune disease and grief/ptsd but my body says so. I can only heed to its call. I've become a hostage to it at times. I surrender to the ransom demands. Until I get a handle on what symptom is attributed to which illness I have no other option. There seems to be a language barrier between us too. No hablo autoimmune!  What little I do comprehend I follow.

Hopefully little by little I will regain control. I feel like I'm abroad that bus in the movie Speed. My immune system is like tiny terrorists making ridiculous choices for reasons it only understands. I want to put on my best GW Bush impression and firmly tell it we will NOT negotiate with terrorists! It sounds good but it's not realistic.

Instead I am accepting it is part of my life and trying to be the United Nations. It's hard to make peace with irrational terroristic immunities. I want to be Switzerland. Eventually I hope to figure it all out. Hopefully before a hang nail develops into WWIII of my territories.

I've also noticed that the week or so leading up to my period also throws my immune system into chaos. An additional blow to my universe. Isn't it bad enough just having a period? I don't even need my baby making components! This Inn is closed. I wouldn't mind if they just removed all of it. Take my uterus...please!!

Thanks folks I'll be here all week. Try the veal!

I now have a reason to look forward to menopause  hot flashes sound like a cake walk.

In closing, Grief sucks, PTSD sucks, Autoimmune Disease sucks and so does female menstruation. I have zero advice about managing all of them together other than don't lose your ability to laugh about it all. I have lost control of my body but not lost my sense of humor. It's all I have at times.