Labels After Loss

I am a member of the largest support group for families who have lost a service member to suicide. There are mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters, children and widows of Veterans lost in the mix.

I read a quote recently that said there is no name for a parent who has lost their child. I don't necessarily think that is a terrible thing. Being called a widow is not a gift. In fact it can feel more like a branding or harsh label than a luxury. What I will share here is not a debate on who has it worse but a description of what life is like after your spouse dies, in hopes that maybe a parent can empathize. There is this huge divide between parents and spouses after loss. It drives a wedge in a relationship and eventually can cause the completely severed communication in a family that needs that connection more than ever. I know because I lived through it and now have no contact with my husband's parents. Their only connection to their son...our children, have no relationship with their grandparents now. It's unfortunate. It's avoidable. It's unnecessary. It hurts the kids most.

There are no scientific measurements to quantify grief. The greatest loss is the one you are personally living with. I used to complain about my in laws. They rarely saw my husband. In twenty years  active duty we visited them twice. If his parents were ever contacted it was me who initiated it. I was the one who sent flowers for mothers day, photos of the kids and holiday gifts. They had a very unusual relationship. He was not close to his family. When he retire and we moved back to our home town they saw each other more frequently but it was still awkward.

He took his life just 135 days after retirement. There wasn't enough time to reconnect if that would have ever happened. He kept a great deal away from his family. His family didn't know he was struggling. They had no clue he'd been suffering for years. They knew what he wanted them to know.

When he died it took his parents by complete surprise. I know that now and am able to see the chain of events through their eyes. What was obvious to me was inconceivable to them. As a result they blamed me for his suicide. It hurt. As much as his death. I can see now that their grief caused them to blame me. Their shock, their disbelief, their denial made it impossible to see he took his own life.

They say there is no word for a parent who has lost their child, but there is a word for a wife. A widow. When you think of a widow you think of an older woman who lived a lifetime with her husband and held his age spotted hand while he passed peacefully in their marital bed of natural causes. You don't think of a vibrant 34 year old, mother of three young kids who's adult life has really just begun.

It is not fair that we are subject to that stereotype. The pressure put on a young widow is next to insanity. If we begin to date we are dishonoring our late spouse. If we don't date we are "having a hard time moving on". Every choice we make after our spouses death is scrutinized. Especially if suicide is their manner of death.  Parents have a tendency to hold on to the hope their child could or would NEVER take their life. It easy and natural to blame someone or something else. If there is a spouse, he or she is the first and obvious pick to transfer your anger, resentment and suspicion.  Parents begin to "find" reasons in the wake of loss.

In hindsight I know it was their grief talking. It's common. But the damage was done. After his death I was blamed in every way by his parents. They said they thought I took his life with my own hands...I shot him. They blamed me for not stopping him. They said I was responsible for allowing it to happen on "my watch". The hits just kept coming. At the time I needed them the most I was shunned. The visited my children, their sons babies once in the 9 months we lived in the same town, after Mike died. His sister told me I was evil. I was completely cut off. My children were denied a bond to the father they lost at such a young age. They are the closest thing to daddy now. That hurts my heart.

There is only so much abuse a person can take regardless if they know the root of the mistreatment. It changes everything. It's been two years now since his death and never has an apology been uttered. What formed from grief became a common opinion in their family and stuck. No one ever questions a parents motives when they lose a child, even a 38 year old Marine child. Because you can't "replace" an adult child. You can't replace a brother. But the moment a widow enters a new relationship we are judged for trying to replace our husband.

Families should know...you can't replace a partner in life either. Parents and siblings need to try to understand this. To be more gentle and less judgmental when their child's spouse takes steps forward in life. Not all choices we make are an effort to erase their children from our lives. Their relationships are vital and important to keep strong. We need you as much as you need us. No matter what happens in life our children are still living and breathing extensions of you lost babies.

Our 11 year old son asked just recently why his grandparents don't talk to him anymore. Up until now I skirted around the topic. I am firm in my belief that we must be honest and open with our kids about life and death. I explained to him that they blamed me in some way for dad dying and they never really got past it. I apologized for the lack of contact and I spoke only kindly of them. He was hurt too. He said he never wanted to talk to them again. I told him they are still his dad's parents they should be respected as such.  The truth is, they have already made it possible for him to never talk to again. He's most likely never going to have to make that choice.

I will never speak I'll lf their father or paternal family. I forgave them long ago. I let go of my hurt, disappointment and abandonment. I have realized their pain is no less than mine. Their loss is just as great. I am regretful that we are no longer in contact but I have remained open to the possibility and kept the lines of communication open. They have our contact information. I send school photos and updates to them with no expectations, because I feel it's right.

I wish our in laws knew the added pain that comes with their grief and blame. We feel just as hurt, just as destroyed by the suicide death of their child. We need your support in the loss. We don't know how we're going to get through it either. We are just as shocked and confused and sad as you are. Getting through it together has to be easier than what happened in my case. For the longest time I felt abandoned by him AND his entire family. No widow or widower should be victimized that way.

I made every effort to include his parents in the final arrangements for Mike. I had the flag presented to his father at Jefferson Barracks . I gave them permission to retain a small amount of his ashes in a locket before his burial service. I gave his father his military collection. I gave his brother all of his model cars. I thought I was doing the right thing. Instead they asked harshly "why are you trying to get rid of all his things!?" It hurt. I learned I couldn't win. After that I did what I thought was right for us regardless of their reaction.

I never blamed them. Even though his dad gave him the gun and ammo used to take his life. His sister told me that his father had a tendency to get drunk and walk around their home with loaded weapons when Mike was a child. He was exposed to the intimidation and abuse growing up. Very similar to the night Mike took his life. Most of all I forgave his mom. She lost her first husband to suicide and became a young widow. I never understood why she didn't empathize after having been through the same devastation herself. I was never mad, I was hurt. Deeply.

I never understood. I guess at first I didn't even try. My pain was so debilitating I could see past or around it. The hits kept coming and it felt like a wound constantly reopening. It really began to feel like sadism. It felt like they enjoyed causing me more pain. I decided I'm not a machocist and I would not keep living in that cycle.

It wasn't until I began walking in their shoes that I started to comprehend their actions and reactions. They weren't doing it to hurt me...they were doing it to protect their hearts, their minds and their own guilty consciences. I want the parents out there to know widows feel incredible guilt too. And blaming us feeds that sense. It fosters that idea we could have somehow prevented the death of our husbands. It's a vicious cycle.
I know now more than ever and want you to also....sticking together in the wake of such tragedy is key to successfully making it though the grief. I guarantee the actions and words during our experience only stunted, delayed and diverted our grief. I don't want that for any other family. If nothing else our dysfunction can be a tool to guide other families. Maybe a cautionary tale.

If your family is currently grieving the suicide of a loved one take special notice of the relationships within the family. Access responsibility. Who do you blame? Is it rational? Is it healthy? Seek the help of counselors. Learn to cope in healthy ways. Think of the small children affected by the death and grief. Are they being given positive role models for making it through? At first we can only see our own loss but at some point we have to think outside ourselves when kids are involved especially. That's one of the major differences in a parent losing an adult child and a spouse. We sometimes have small kids. We are now the sole caretaker. That pressure alone is paralyzing. Parents of an adult child have each other to lean on. They grieve together. When you sever the relationship with your adult child's spouse you are leaving us alone in the world to figure it out for ourselves. It just seems so unfair to everyone.

Be aware of the dynamics in your family. Find ways to strengthen the bonds, not drive loved ones away.  It's incredibly hard while dealing with the overwhelming pain of grief. Eventually though you will get through it, there are no set time lines for your journey. Walking it alone is so much harder.  Remember that everyone is in pain and show and deal with it differently. No one is right or wrong unless it puts themselves or others in harms way.  Be gentle with eachother. Judge less and hug more. Talk about how you feel and tell your loved ones what you need in order to feel supported. Share the experience.

A strong support network is key. It can make all the difference in the world. No one should face their grief alone. You can heal with them, together. You don't have to understand what they're personally going through. Just be there for them. They will do the same for you.