Triggers

I think the holiday stress is getting the better of me now. I'm thankful it's almost over and can hopefully have a break soon.

Twice today different things have triggered intrusive thoughts. As I type my heart is raving and I'm out of breath. I feel light headed.

I was just switching loads of laundry and something fell out of the dryer. At first glance it appeared to be Mikes favorite basketball shorts. But that couldn't be because he was wearing them the night he died. It was enough to take me back to that night. Just that one glance. It turned out they were Masons shorts and they were red not maroon like Mikes. But it was enough to freak me out.

And earlier today I had a similar experience at the kids school. We lived in the house Mike killed himself in for 8 months after he died. The cleanup crew used a type of detergent or cleaner in the garage...I don't know what the name or brand is but evidentially the school uses it too. I got on to campus today and was immediately hit by that familiar smell and got weak in the knees. Again...back to September of last year.

I know certain things trigger my thoughts and memories but I never know when or where it will happen. That's the part that sucks. Some things you just can't prepare yourself for.

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