My Only Advice to You

Pride can literally kill you. The same pride that makes you one of the elite among men/women as a United States Service Member can prevent you from seeking help in your darkest hour. It can keep you from treatment that could save your life and keep your family together. It can break your spirit and your home. There is a stigma that needing help is a sign of weakness. It could ruin your career. What will my Marines think?

Pride took my husband ultimately. I tried to get him to realize he needed treatment for nearly a decade. By the time he retired he was broken. His will in life was gone. He decided to fill that emptiness with alcohol and rage. It was easier for him to be mad than to accept reality. He was depressed, anxious, paranoid, sleep deprived and just lost.

He became apathetic to almost all aspects of life. He had no concept of time, responsibility, joy, laughter...

In the week leading up to his death he began taking down every bit of his Marine Corps awards, photos, flags, all things Marines. I thought it was strange and even asked why. He told me it was so *I* wasn't reminded of the hell he put me through in the 20 years he dedicated to the country. I told him it wasn't the Marines I had a problem with it was his inability to see he had a problem. That of course turned into a fight....

What I know now is he was preparing for his end. *He* did not want to see that flag when he took his life. He didn't want to be known as a failure in the eyes of his beloved Marine Corps. He went so far as to intentionally hide his military ID the night he committed suicide. When the SWAT made entry into our garage he had on a pair of basketball shorts. In the pocket was only his drivers license. I guess he did that for identification even though it was his garage and he did it while we were home.

What gets me most is the fact that he even had his drivers license. He used his military ID exclusively for identification unless a drivers license was specified. That speaks volumes as to his state of mind. He did not want what he did to be associated with the Corps.

My advice to you is if your wife mentions she's worried...TAKE THAT SERIOUSLY.

LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HIS CAREER:

He's dead now. His job has helped zero. The Marines have said nothing since the day he died. He died 135 days after retiring with 20 years. He only had life insurance for 120 days. He did not elect to accept sgli beyond the 120 days. The kids and I got nothing. The VA ruled his death not service connected because he refused help while enlisted and by the time he retired he was too far gone. I have been fighting them for over a year to find it connected. In 2005 when he was first suicidal I went to his CO and begged and cried for help. He asked my husband if there was a problem and tragically my husband said no. It was never mentioned again.

YOU will make the difference in your life and the life of your family. There were so many points in our marriage where he could have been saved but the only person who could save him was himself. I did all I could.

If you think you might have some issues developing get help immediately. The earlier detected the easier it is to manage. At the very least there is a record of treatment. This single fact stopped us from deceiving DIC. (We are in appeals now).

The VA has lost Mikes medical file anyway. There is no record of Mike ever seeing a doctor in 20 years of service. It magically disappeared. He did make copies but shot himself of one copy and his mom ended up with another. She refuses to release it to me. She still blames me for his death.

Let me sum it all up, we gained absolutely zero from his death although he claimed life would be better for us if he were dead. We received no life insurance, no dic, no disability, no post 911, absolutely nothing from the VA. I got PTSD, got fired from my job, became a single mom to three kids,became estranged from his side of our family and lost the man I loved for 20 years...since I was 14 years old.

No one could stop the train but him. His pride warped into a weapon of self mutilation. Utter self destruction. We lost everything in three minutes. That's how long it took from the time I dialed 911 until that fatal shot.

Let my story be a cautionary tale. I can't change what's happened to me but I can keep sharing my experience so that you may go on to live a long healthy happy life. There is hope. I have PTSD and I'm here today. I'm not too proud to admit it. Actually I'm proud I can say it because I know that's the first step in my journey to recovery.

He left me no choice but to fight for my life. I am all my kids have. Do you really want to put your own wife in my position? It's the hardest thing I've ever done...just waking up some days knowing my life is forever changed and now I have the same empty space inside. I know how he felt. I'm living it.

I know if he were in his right mind he would never have done this to us. But that's just it. He was so far gone that he thought dying was the best choice. Don't let yourself get to this point. If you think my story is bad there is still hope for you.

Call the Vet Center, call the hotline, walk into an emergency room, tell your spouse, tell your CO, contact your private physician....just talk about it. The control of your life and your mental health. It's the bravest act I can think of. If you want what's best for your family accept treatment. Allow good things to happen.

This is my only advice. After all that's happened. Reach out. Start your path to your happy ending. Grow old with your wife. Become a grandpa, teach your sons and grandsons healthy coping skills. You're saving their life too just by simply existing.

Contact me if you have no one else. I know so much more now than in 2013. I have completely anonymous resources for treatment. No one has to know about it if that's really what's stopping you.

Find me on Facebook my name is Misty Blum or twitter @klassybroad. I will listen. You're not alone. You can do it.