Death Is Different Now

I'm no stranger to loss. I have lost many loved ones in my lifetime. All four of my grandparents have died. Three of my uncles passed. My best friend died when I was 16. My favorite aunt died when I was pregnant with Mason. My cousin was KIA in Iraq in 2009.

Before Mike died I had become somewhat desensitized to death. Just accepting it as a part of life. But since Mike died each death is like a searing dagger in my chest. It's becoming more and more difficult to cope with loss. It's like I'm reliving his death each time I get word. I've lost several friends in the past year in a half and I can't even bring myself to attend a funeral. I can't do it.

Today I learned a childhood friends newborn baby died. It felt like I was hit by a truck. All day long my anxiety has been so high I feel like I can't catch my breath. I am not sure how many more times I my body and mind can handle this. Will it always be this way now? It's harder and harder to recover from the desperate depression a death pushes me in. It's like I'm drowning.

I'm so sad for the family who never got to bring their baby home. Such despair. I've not lost my faith in God. I know he's not punishing me or my friends. I just wish I were able to cope a bit better. I know how ridiculous I sound but I can't seem to stop it from happening. If I could just catch my breath...

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