The Dream

I've had the same dream for several nights now. I am at a familiar location with the kids. Sometimes it's the house I grew up in,other times it's my grandma's house. We are going along with our typical day when the door opens and Mike appears. It always shocks me. I run to him with tears streaming down my face and beg him not to leave me again. I can feel him, smell him, kiss him, touch his face. It all feels so real. I plead with him to just stay with me. His answer is always the same.

...."You know I can't stay."

Last night after he said that he told me he didn't know how long he was going to get this time so let's just enjoy the few minutes we had. I didn't let go of him as we sat there together. I just wanted to feel him next to me as long as I could. I didn't ask any questions. I didn't care in that moment. I watched him breathe and smile. I studied the lines on his face and touched his broad shoulder. I put my head on his chest. For a brief moment the weight of the world had lifted. The tightness in my own chest that's become my usual since he died...just disappeared.

I realized I was beginning to wake up and I fought it. I told him I loved him always...

I opened my eyes. I was back in my bedroom. It was really just a dream. I stared at my wall for the longest time just trying to recover. I don't know which feeling is stronger...the elation I feel when seeing him again or the intense pain when I wake up and realize it was a dream.I have moved on with my life. I'm in love again with a man who truly appreciates me. I have accepted Mike is gone but it does not stop the dreams or the soul crushing moment I wake up.It's a strange place to be loving two men. I never thought it could be possible. I don't compare the two and I'm very honest with Sean about my feelings. The best part is that he understands and is patient with me as I walk my path. He walks beside me and honors Mikes memory.

I believe Mike led me to Sean. I absolutely believe he not only approves of the relationship but encourages it from heaven. I would have never met him otherwise. I feel lucky in my tragedy. I love them both.

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