Sometimes

Occasionally I wonder what it would be like if I randomly got amnesia and couldn't remember my past.

Would it be worth losing the good memories in order to forget the bad. I am not sure but it's something I think about, would I be capable of happiness true happiness again?

I wake up groggy and force myself out of bed daily. It sometimes takes hours for me to get motivated to do...anything.

Lately I'm emotional and sensitive. I cry several times a day. My health is declining. I wake up choking at night and have terrible sinus infections. I know I'm overwhelmed.

I don't want to die, I just want to be left alone by everyone. I'm disorganized, forgetful, irresponsible, tired, uninspired.

I'm getting worse not better. Everyone is looking to me to be strong so I just avoid them. I don't want to be strong right now. Or, I do but it's just too much work.

I pray a lot. I ask for strength to get through "this". What is "this"? Will I be like this forever? I don't want to be the old me, or the current me. For the first time in a very long time I'm uncomfortable in my own skin, in my own thoughts.

I really understand how Mike felt. I am starting to hate the me I am. I wish I could snap out of it. I briefly considered doing drugs. I can't relax. My body literally stays tense from the time I wake until I go to bed. I started clenching me jaw. I hate it. I can't stop.

I'm actually starting to scare myself.

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