I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself today

I'm angry but I'm not sure at who exactly?

He's dead, I have PTSD and the VA cares very little. My soul is damaged. My confidence is shattered. My emotions are raw.

I'm trying my hardest to not ask "why me?" I'm stressed to the max. My symptoms seem to be in overdrive. Just now sitting here accessing my triggers it occurred to me that the word trigger itself is a trigger.

A gun has a trigger. A gun was used to take his life. Then I relive that night again.

My brain is swimming as incoherently as I type this blog. This is my life. This is my brain. It's a cluttered mess.

I don't know what to do about anything. I don't have the motivation to even brush my hair or straighten up my house. I just want to sleep.

Today I don't really have any hope life will get better. Hopefully tomorrow will be a different story.

You want the reality of what life is like after  devastating  loss? This is it. Some days I feel like I can do anything. Today I'm sure I can do nothing. I'm isolating myself from others. Hiding out and waiting for the fog to lift. I'm paranoid for no reason. I feel crazy.

I've been crying a lot lately. It doesn't take much to bring me to tears. I'm fragile and sensitive.

Everyone comes to me for advice and motivation but I can't take my own. I'm a hypocrite that way. I'm not always positive Suzie Sunshine.
I'm really good at faking it.

I'm not suicidal. I'm not homicidal...I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

Life could be worse I'm sure. Although I can't imagine feeling any lower. The good news is my mood is day to day and this day is almost over. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring but I know there will be a tomorrow.

Bless anyone for reading this garbage. It's not for you today. Just getting these thoughts out of my head.

My doctor said I'm not crazy...I'm just grieving. He's the one with the degree so I will trust it. Sure feel nuts.

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