A Roller Coaster

Sometimes dealing with grief and PTSD is like being bipolar. Only the highs and lows are much faster and really gave no pattern. The past week has been super rough on me.

It started Saturday. I found out a childhood friend from back home took his life. And in the same manner a Mike did. It triggered flashbacks and I was pretty much a mess the rest of the day.

Strike One.

We decided on the spur if the moment to hop in the truck and take the RV to the beach on base for a few days. The beach that my kids connect most with their dad, the beach we spent dozens of days wave jumping building sandcastles and chasing birds most of the kids life.

Second Whammy .

Monday was the Marine Corps birthday. I was awake to watch the sunrise. I stood there on the beach feeling such a mixed bag of emotion. I dropped to my knees and just cried. And kept crying until the kids woke up and we went rock hunting.

Third breakdown.

Tuesday was Veterans Day. How can that not be difficult? More sobbing.

...I'm pretty sure this is what menopause feels like.

Yesterday the VA rep handling Mikes death claim called to let me know the VA has some who misplaced Mikes entire personnel and medical record. Mikes mom has the only copy in existence and won't give it to me.

Those weren't tears of joy. All defeat. 14 months he's been gone and not a single claim or request from the VA has been done.

I pretty much sat on the back patio all day and cried and prayed  to God to show me where to go next, do I just give up?

Today I finally told Sean about all the emotion and mental exhaustion I've been feeling. He was supportive and just saying it made me feel better.

I was briefly mad at Mike. He's gone and doesn't have to deal with all his terrible thoughts but now I do and try to raise our kids alone broke and broken  but I'm strong. I will get through it.

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