Shes not always this bad...
Since all of this crazy nonsense has been going on with the girl previously mentioned, I have not been able to fully understand her husband's (my friend) role. He seemed to really enable her behavior by lying to her or withholding details, making excuses for her or saying he wanted to "stay out of it" and I got so mad because it seemed like he was truly the root of the problem. I was so angry because he just ran and hid the moment she started raging on everyone around her.
He told me one thing and then her another. I know him to be a good person. Of course, i am not married to him or in a relationship. I felt like I know one side of him and his wife another. Listening to her talk about him while here made me really question if I knew him at all. But, that was before I really knew her emotional issues. I just remember sitting here thinking the guy that I had grown to adore was a total douchebag and what the hell is he doing to his poor wife.
But now...now I know why.
I am very interested in what motivates people. Not so much what they say but what makes them say it. I learned the hard way with his wife. She had me fooled for about a day. But its just now a few months later that I am beginning to totally get why he reacted the way he has and still does.
When his wife went back to STL after her visit I went to him and said "you've got to encourage her to get help. She is just broken." He told me at first "I am so sorry it was so stressful for you. She normally isnt that bad. She has her moments but it must have been anxiety of the travel and new people and places." O...kay. He then went on to say when its good its really good and when its bad, its a night mare.
He was not honest with her about our friendship. And at first I was so pissed because it felt like he was hiding it from her because he thought it was more than it really was. But after doing research of the psychology of a spouse in this situation I know its not uncommon to withhold or fib as to not upset them. And that just makes me so sad. No one should ever have to feel that way.
He told friends that she did not do or say things and he knew she did. That made me SO mad. It wasnt that he believed she was right. It was because he was the one who had to go home at night and deal with the abuse, the accusations, the guilt.
When he was told several people confronted her about her insane behavior his only question was "was my name mentioned?". Outwardly it sounds so selfish, so self absorbed. But now looking at it calmly, I know it was for the same reason above. Everything is his fault in her eyes, always.
Hes been doing this for so long that he has no idea he's fallen victim. Its the same psychology as a battered wife. My heart breaks for him. I found some links to help others identify signs and symptoms. For spouses.
http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/21/relationships-with-borderline-narcissistic-personality-women/
http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/27/is-your-girlfriend-or-wife-a-professional-victim/
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/455531/the_hysterical_mother_when_borderline.html?cat=72
I guess what I want anyone in this situation to know is that your self esteem and children are at risk here. Its embarrassing to admit its going on but shes not going to go out and get help if shes all cozy in your little nest of denial. At some point you are no longer a victim, but a willing participant. Once you recognize the symptoms you either help yourself of you hop on the crazy train.
Its never a BPD's fault. Afterall she a victim of the universe. You cant fix people, only work on you.
He told me one thing and then her another. I know him to be a good person. Of course, i am not married to him or in a relationship. I felt like I know one side of him and his wife another. Listening to her talk about him while here made me really question if I knew him at all. But, that was before I really knew her emotional issues. I just remember sitting here thinking the guy that I had grown to adore was a total douchebag and what the hell is he doing to his poor wife.
But now...now I know why.
I am very interested in what motivates people. Not so much what they say but what makes them say it. I learned the hard way with his wife. She had me fooled for about a day. But its just now a few months later that I am beginning to totally get why he reacted the way he has and still does.
When his wife went back to STL after her visit I went to him and said "you've got to encourage her to get help. She is just broken." He told me at first "I am so sorry it was so stressful for you. She normally isnt that bad. She has her moments but it must have been anxiety of the travel and new people and places." O...kay. He then went on to say when its good its really good and when its bad, its a night mare.
He was not honest with her about our friendship. And at first I was so pissed because it felt like he was hiding it from her because he thought it was more than it really was. But after doing research of the psychology of a spouse in this situation I know its not uncommon to withhold or fib as to not upset them. And that just makes me so sad. No one should ever have to feel that way.
He told friends that she did not do or say things and he knew she did. That made me SO mad. It wasnt that he believed she was right. It was because he was the one who had to go home at night and deal with the abuse, the accusations, the guilt.
When he was told several people confronted her about her insane behavior his only question was "was my name mentioned?". Outwardly it sounds so selfish, so self absorbed. But now looking at it calmly, I know it was for the same reason above. Everything is his fault in her eyes, always.
Hes been doing this for so long that he has no idea he's fallen victim. Its the same psychology as a battered wife. My heart breaks for him. I found some links to help others identify signs and symptoms. For spouses.
http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/21/relationships-with-borderline-narcissistic-personality-women/
http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/27/is-your-girlfriend-or-wife-a-professional-victim/
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/455531/the_hysterical_mother_when_borderline.html?cat=72
I guess what I want anyone in this situation to know is that your self esteem and children are at risk here. Its embarrassing to admit its going on but shes not going to go out and get help if shes all cozy in your little nest of denial. At some point you are no longer a victim, but a willing participant. Once you recognize the symptoms you either help yourself of you hop on the crazy train.
Its never a BPD's fault. Afterall she a victim of the universe. You cant fix people, only work on you.
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