Close Encounters with Borderline Personalities
Now that I know what it is and have gotten tools on how to deal with it and understand why they think they do I am a little more at peace. I am officially setting a clear and unmistakable boundary. I will not feed into the destructive behavior. Had I really understood how they think I would have never tried to defend myself or confront her on her lies, accusations and misinterpretations. The only way to stop a person with Borderline Personality Disorder is to disengage completely. Regardless of what they say about you, to you etc. They want that high, that reaction. Its what they live for. Like a tornado from one crisis to a next, blame, shame, guilt and manipulation. Total devastation. But I digress. Let me start from the beginning.
I have a good friend. We've been friends since High School. We became very close a few years ago when I was pregnant with my youngest and his wife was pregnant with theirs. We reconnected on Myspace. We talked regularly since. Nothing life altering, mostly just idle conversation about mutual interests: antiques, old cars, zombies and bacon. We checked in with each other and traded useless trivia we picked up. No big deal really.
His wife also went to the same high school with us. We live in California and they in MO, where we are from. When we go home my husband and I normally meet up with them for drinks or at least see each other before we go. We all got along pretty well but I knew his wife has extreme anxiety in the limited contact we did have. She always seemed "sensitive". Things seemed to hurt her feelings way more than the average person. I am a very blunt person so I had a really hard time relaxing around her because she seemed to take everything said or done by anyone personally. But then, I only saw her once or twice a year and I adored her husband so I dismissed it. In our conversations I came to find he was genuinely devoted to her and loved her very much. If she was good enough for him, then its good for me too.
A few months ago he came to me and said his wife really loved the vintage styling that I do and she talked about doing it one day. He thought it would be a great idea for me to invite her out and do some photos. He said he'd pay for it all and he just knew this would make her so happy. How could I say no? I really though it might help with her low self esteem. I insisted that the session would be a gift and began preparing. I was a little worried though because I had never hung out with her alone. We didn't have much in common but I was happy to help.
Thats when everything went down hill. She was an emotional wreck the moment she stepped off the plane. It wasnt a day into the visit that she started to fall apart. She talked non-stop about abuse as a child and bad mouthed her husband, friends, mother, brothers, everyone. We had stopped on the way home from the airport at a local favorite eatery. We sat on the patio and I said I was go glad her husband set this up, I planned what I thought was going to be a fantastic photo shoot on the beach, with great clothes and not one but three photographers. I really pulled the stops for her to really make her feel great. When I looked back up at her she was teary. I asked what I said wrong. She said she had no idea her husband planned all of this and it wasnt my idea. She felt betrayed. Humiliated. Mortified. I assured her that it was a great gift, he did it out of love and she should be happy.
It was a very emotionally draining visit. She cried several times. She drank every night which made her behavior worse. I basically refused to drink because I was afraid I would be less guarded with my words and make her cry again. Eggshells. Two days in the visit she found out how often her husband and I chat. He sent a gift for me. A book on genetic engineering. She asked what it was allo about. I knew immediately and laughed. One of our weird conversations was on the moral debate of the topic. I told her we talk about unusual topics regularly. I didn't know she thought otherwise. Again she freaked. I felt shocked by her reaction. It was like she found out we were secret lovers. It was odd.
While she was here unloading on me I did my best to give her self esteem advice. She told unreal stories of events and I tried helping her look at it from a rational point of view. I gave her several self help books I had collected and assured her that she was in control of her destiny.
The night before she left she was checking her facebook. She noticed her best friend's FB friend left a message about missing her. She explained that she was in rehab and the friend was in the program with her. She immediately thought the worse. She started pacing and asking if he said he missed her because she dropped out of the rehab facility, if she quit. I looked over at her and said "Maybe he just graduated from the program." She still worried until she heard from her later that night. She laughed and said I was right he graduated and she should start thinking more like me.
All of that over a FB post on someone elses page. Whoa.
When it was time to put her back on the plane I was so relieved. But then....we got stuck in traffic for an hour and missed her flight. She was stuck in San Diego for 6 extra hours. I got it settled with the airline and decided we would go walk around and enjoy the touristy part of the harbor and shop until it was time to get back to the airport.
6 hours later I helped her to her gate and said good bye. She said I changed her life. She said she could never thank me for what I had done for her.
I called her husband and told him she was waiting to board and on her way...successfully this time. 2 minute call.
About a week later I got a random text from her that said "If my husband tries to contact you over the next few days, ignore him. I am sick of the betrayal" Naturally I was taken by surprise but I called him and told him about the message. I said I was a little worried about the tone of the text and her state of mind. He said he would take care of it and just disregard it. I found out a few days later that she was looking at their phone records and asked if we'd talked. He said no. She pulled up the record and pointed out that we talked when she was on the airplane on her way home. Remember the two minute courtesy call I placed letting him know she was on the plane? Yes, that is what started the "betrayal" argument. A very rational and reasonable misunderstanding and yet to her a complete crisis.
Thats the beginning of the end. She started calling me a Narcissist. She said I had an unrealistic idea in my head of my relationship with her husband. I was offended and hurt. I sent her a message on FB and told her I was hurt and to just go fuck herself.
Three days later I was notified by Facebook that i had threatened a member and was hereby warned. Whaaat?
I confronted her via text asking how I threatened her. She said I was "obviously in love with her husband. I was toxic and she would not stand for my behavior." Puzzled, I said I did her a favor and a week before I was saving her life and now I am toxic? I told her to get help.
About a week later a mutual friend said she was "miserable here" and all I wanted to do was lines of cocaine. Again I sent her a text asking why she would say anything like that. She replied that she has deleted me from her life and I should do the same. I said no problem. Best way to do that is to stop bad mouthing and making up stories.
Last week the police department in our home town contacted me saying she has filed a police report accusing me of harassing her and that she feared for her life although I live across the country and only come to MO twice a year. The officer said he did not see any threats but just to leave her alone. I laughed and said this was a joke right? The whole thing was stupid but no problem. I will stop contacting her.
And I did.
Last night i awoke to texts and phone calls from her at 1am. It lasted untl 4am. It was insane ramblings about me committing alienation of affection in her marriage. Intent to cause emotional distress. In the end there were 15 texts, three phone calls two emails and several facebook messages. At 4am I told her to stop. Three more texts came I then replied I am blocking your number now. And I did.
I sat here all day thinking what did I do, how could I have changed any of this. I started researching how to deal with a person like this and I finally got answers. I doubted my responsibility in this. I felt bad. Its what they do. Master manipulators.
She is officially cut off. She can tell anyone any story she wants. I wont respond to it. She wont get a reaction out of me. Stop the fire, cut off oxygen to it.
Have you ever watched an episode of COPS when they are trying to wrestle a guy on PCP? That is what its like trying to reason with a BPD person. Just exhausting.
I have a good friend. We've been friends since High School. We became very close a few years ago when I was pregnant with my youngest and his wife was pregnant with theirs. We reconnected on Myspace. We talked regularly since. Nothing life altering, mostly just idle conversation about mutual interests: antiques, old cars, zombies and bacon. We checked in with each other and traded useless trivia we picked up. No big deal really.
His wife also went to the same high school with us. We live in California and they in MO, where we are from. When we go home my husband and I normally meet up with them for drinks or at least see each other before we go. We all got along pretty well but I knew his wife has extreme anxiety in the limited contact we did have. She always seemed "sensitive". Things seemed to hurt her feelings way more than the average person. I am a very blunt person so I had a really hard time relaxing around her because she seemed to take everything said or done by anyone personally. But then, I only saw her once or twice a year and I adored her husband so I dismissed it. In our conversations I came to find he was genuinely devoted to her and loved her very much. If she was good enough for him, then its good for me too.
A few months ago he came to me and said his wife really loved the vintage styling that I do and she talked about doing it one day. He thought it would be a great idea for me to invite her out and do some photos. He said he'd pay for it all and he just knew this would make her so happy. How could I say no? I really though it might help with her low self esteem. I insisted that the session would be a gift and began preparing. I was a little worried though because I had never hung out with her alone. We didn't have much in common but I was happy to help.
Thats when everything went down hill. She was an emotional wreck the moment she stepped off the plane. It wasnt a day into the visit that she started to fall apart. She talked non-stop about abuse as a child and bad mouthed her husband, friends, mother, brothers, everyone. We had stopped on the way home from the airport at a local favorite eatery. We sat on the patio and I said I was go glad her husband set this up, I planned what I thought was going to be a fantastic photo shoot on the beach, with great clothes and not one but three photographers. I really pulled the stops for her to really make her feel great. When I looked back up at her she was teary. I asked what I said wrong. She said she had no idea her husband planned all of this and it wasnt my idea. She felt betrayed. Humiliated. Mortified. I assured her that it was a great gift, he did it out of love and she should be happy.
It was a very emotionally draining visit. She cried several times. She drank every night which made her behavior worse. I basically refused to drink because I was afraid I would be less guarded with my words and make her cry again. Eggshells. Two days in the visit she found out how often her husband and I chat. He sent a gift for me. A book on genetic engineering. She asked what it was allo about. I knew immediately and laughed. One of our weird conversations was on the moral debate of the topic. I told her we talk about unusual topics regularly. I didn't know she thought otherwise. Again she freaked. I felt shocked by her reaction. It was like she found out we were secret lovers. It was odd.
While she was here unloading on me I did my best to give her self esteem advice. She told unreal stories of events and I tried helping her look at it from a rational point of view. I gave her several self help books I had collected and assured her that she was in control of her destiny.
The night before she left she was checking her facebook. She noticed her best friend's FB friend left a message about missing her. She explained that she was in rehab and the friend was in the program with her. She immediately thought the worse. She started pacing and asking if he said he missed her because she dropped out of the rehab facility, if she quit. I looked over at her and said "Maybe he just graduated from the program." She still worried until she heard from her later that night. She laughed and said I was right he graduated and she should start thinking more like me.
All of that over a FB post on someone elses page. Whoa.
When it was time to put her back on the plane I was so relieved. But then....we got stuck in traffic for an hour and missed her flight. She was stuck in San Diego for 6 extra hours. I got it settled with the airline and decided we would go walk around and enjoy the touristy part of the harbor and shop until it was time to get back to the airport.
6 hours later I helped her to her gate and said good bye. She said I changed her life. She said she could never thank me for what I had done for her.
I called her husband and told him she was waiting to board and on her way...successfully this time. 2 minute call.
About a week later I got a random text from her that said "If my husband tries to contact you over the next few days, ignore him. I am sick of the betrayal" Naturally I was taken by surprise but I called him and told him about the message. I said I was a little worried about the tone of the text and her state of mind. He said he would take care of it and just disregard it. I found out a few days later that she was looking at their phone records and asked if we'd talked. He said no. She pulled up the record and pointed out that we talked when she was on the airplane on her way home. Remember the two minute courtesy call I placed letting him know she was on the plane? Yes, that is what started the "betrayal" argument. A very rational and reasonable misunderstanding and yet to her a complete crisis.
Thats the beginning of the end. She started calling me a Narcissist. She said I had an unrealistic idea in my head of my relationship with her husband. I was offended and hurt. I sent her a message on FB and told her I was hurt and to just go fuck herself.
Three days later I was notified by Facebook that i had threatened a member and was hereby warned. Whaaat?
I confronted her via text asking how I threatened her. She said I was "obviously in love with her husband. I was toxic and she would not stand for my behavior." Puzzled, I said I did her a favor and a week before I was saving her life and now I am toxic? I told her to get help.
About a week later a mutual friend said she was "miserable here" and all I wanted to do was lines of cocaine. Again I sent her a text asking why she would say anything like that. She replied that she has deleted me from her life and I should do the same. I said no problem. Best way to do that is to stop bad mouthing and making up stories.
Last week the police department in our home town contacted me saying she has filed a police report accusing me of harassing her and that she feared for her life although I live across the country and only come to MO twice a year. The officer said he did not see any threats but just to leave her alone. I laughed and said this was a joke right? The whole thing was stupid but no problem. I will stop contacting her.
And I did.
Last night i awoke to texts and phone calls from her at 1am. It lasted untl 4am. It was insane ramblings about me committing alienation of affection in her marriage. Intent to cause emotional distress. In the end there were 15 texts, three phone calls two emails and several facebook messages. At 4am I told her to stop. Three more texts came I then replied I am blocking your number now. And I did.
I sat here all day thinking what did I do, how could I have changed any of this. I started researching how to deal with a person like this and I finally got answers. I doubted my responsibility in this. I felt bad. Its what they do. Master manipulators.
She is officially cut off. She can tell anyone any story she wants. I wont respond to it. She wont get a reaction out of me. Stop the fire, cut off oxygen to it.
Have you ever watched an episode of COPS when they are trying to wrestle a guy on PCP? That is what its like trying to reason with a BPD person. Just exhausting.
Misty thats insane,I dont know what to really say then this sounds like this female is in need of some serious mental help and I mean help!
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