If You're Not Addressing It You're Repressing It.

Has anyone ever told you to "just leave the past in the past"? I could be wrong but every time someone says that to me it's as if emergency bells lights and alarms go off in my head. In my experience people who refuse to talk or even think about an event, period, or person in their lives are doing more harm than good in this practice. They refuse to reflect on the shame or blame of choices made or traumatic experiences. They may think blocking it out forever is a good coping skill. If you don't think about it...it'll magically disappear.

That's so far off.

Not resolving whatever has effected you so deeply that you can't even say the words out loud is harming you even if you don't notice. You probably aren't consciously making a choice to change your behavior or attitude but denying and repressing feeling and memories can only work for so long. At some point you're going to be like a tea kettle on a hot burner.

There is not time line when you should address these hard realities of our past and it's perfectly fine to say "I'm just not ready to talk about XYZ" and that should be respected but I'm referring to people who flat out refuse to speak someone's name or talk about an event that affected the family. It makes the others involved feel isolated and shameful for needing to talk.

I will give you two examples:

1 ) My late husband's mom was married before his father. His mom's first husband committed suicide. No one in the family ever talked about it. They do not speak his name. They do not have photos of him nor has she ever spoken directly to her sons about the event.  They shared a daughter. She was not allowed to speak of her own father in the home. Now, my husband has taken his own life as well. That's the second in the family and I feel they are beginning to write their son out of the story too. It's just "too hard" to keep contact with our kids because it's a reminder of his death.

2) My parents battled with addiction through my childhood as a result life was very hard growing up. Even though I'm pushing 40 if I bring up something I need to talk through with my mom she tells me it happened so long ago and to leave it behind me. She says she's left it in the past. That's very convenient for her because I guess it's easier to pretend something didn't happen than to be reminded of your poor choices. I've been asked "when I'm going to get over it?" My answer is simple...when I'm given the opportunity to be heard and am not cut off with the death stare and warning to watch my words.

It's a tricky situation when you insist on being heard and someone else refuses to listen. I have learned that I cannot let the pain of my past hold me back from growing.

People are quick to tell you smoking will give you cancer and stunt your growth. Repressing painful and traumatic experiences are like a pack a day habit, taking a deep drag from a non filtered Camel cigarette. Holding it in your lungs until they burn and you feel light headed.  It stunts your spiritual and emotional growth the same.  The title of my book will be called Our Secrets Keep Us Sick and that's my truth. This is the one thing I know for sure in this life.  

If you're not addressing it, you're repressing it. You should be exploring it, not ignoring it....

I can come up with these sassy little sayings all day but you get my point, right?