Reminders Of How Far I've Come

Yesterday I got a notification from twitter that one of my "contacts" joined twitter. The name made my stomach drop. He's not a contact anywhere I can find. He's a mistake I made and just seeing his name makes me feel bad.
He's a boy I dated for a couple of years when I was a teenager. We had a very dramatic relationship. He would probably say it was our magnetic chemistry but in hindsight it was because he was a raging alcoholic and when drunk did incredibly stupid things. I was his designated driver before I even had a drivers license...

Although we dated for a few short years he's always managed to randomly show back up every so often in the 20+ years since.

When I was first married to Mike and Mike was in Iraq he showed up at my apartment drunk around 2AM, pushed through my door and tried to put his hand up my shirt. He was a bit too eager though because I stepped slightly sideways and he fell on his dumbass face. I asked him if he had someone to pick him up. He said no, of course! I told him to sleep it off on the couch. I went to my room, locked the door and went back to bed. Had my son been home that night I would have left him in the cold. His girlfriend found out and called me hysterical saying I was trying to steal her boyfriend. I honestly did nothing and just sort of laughed at her theatrics.

Once when I was heavily pregnant with Mason a few years later he told me to marry him...he'd sell drugs to support us and we could live in his parents basement...Did i mention i was due to have my baby any day? That resulted in another call from crazy girlfriend...ironically on the day I was released from giving birth...in a completely different state and with a husband of my own. She was again, hystetical.  The whole time she was shouting incoherently my husband and I just stared at each other trying not to crack up. It was so bizarre. She carried on about how she could never compete with me and I was the love of his life and he'd never love anyone the way he loved me. He told her this, I guess. She was the second girlfriend in 10 years at that point to say the same thing.

And...my husband absolutely hated Jay. Both my husband's actually. Tony and Mike did. I was dating Mike as a teenager until Jay came along. I broke up with  Mike to date Jay. I was 15. He was 22. I broke up with Jay to date Tony. So both had interaction with him. It did not go well. Basically there were three loves of my life up until age 34. I'd dated them all as a teenager. They all knew and despised each other. I married two of them. If he had it his way and I accepted his many proposals, Jay could have been my future ex-husband too.

Oy...

BACK ON TOPIC:

Shortly after Mike died i was numb, then angry, then lost and finally empty. I wanted comfort. I wanted company. I didn't want to have to talk about my feelings or explain my story or my husband's death. Even though Jay is a douche, he's a douche who knew me well. The person I was once upon a time. I admit I called him first. I didn't know until after we met up at my house later that he was married. At that point he'd already made me smile and i guess in my grief I just didn't care. He thought I was sexy and gave me attention and acted like he couldn't resist not touching me. I felt I needed that.

I'd never even considered fooling around with a married man and looking back I'm ashamed but at that time I figured my marriage was ruined why should I give two shits about anyone elses? It's twisted and so not in my character but it's a fact. I also think I subconsciously picked him because I was so deeply hurt and angry at Mike and I knew how much Mike hated Jay. Up until he died I had been with two men since age 17. My first husband, then my second. 20 years. I was faithful to a fault but I wanted to hurt him, I wanted to hurt myself. I just didn't realize it in the moment.

Jay and I ended up spending a great deal of time together in the Fall of 2013. He'd cut work sometimes just to come over and hang out. He told me his marriage was a mistake but he had a son and she provided them with a home. He said the relationship was failing and they worked different shifts, never saw each other and hadn't even slept in the same bed in months. I felt bad for him. I loved him once and he was very convincing. The truth is that I WANTED to believe it. We continued to see eachother regularly. Sometimes he'd even bring his son over to visit...which in retrospect is just unhealthy and unbelievably wrong. I said nothing. I didn't care. Everything was going okay. I had a dirty distraction. It worked for a while too...

...until about a month or two later when he called me. I could tell by his voice something was wrong. I asked him what it was and then his voice cracked when he began to explain that his wife just found out she was pregnant. He wanted to tell me himself before I found out in the rumor mill.

...O..M..G!  It hit me all at once...I fell for it all, hook line and sinker! I was mad but mostly at myself for coming to see what a fool I was and how I felt bad for him...like a smack in the face...all at once. I was mad and embarrassed and realized I had not only vacated my standards in even speaking to a married man but being such a sucker too! I make fun of girls who behave like this! In a way, I'm glad she got pregnant because it made me finally see it for what it was...WRONG! I told him we couldn't speak to him again . I told him I'm ashamed and apologized for my part in it. I hung up.

It didn't stop him from calling and texting. I made the mistake of replying once. He was upset by my curt response. He said I wasn't fun anymore and wanted me to talk dirty to him. I told him it wasn't going to work that way. If he couldn't deal with polite but impersonal exchanges I couldn't talk at all.

He was relentless. It went on for months. The texts, the calls. I finally told him I would contact his wife if he didn't stop. Since just doing it because it was the right thing didn't appeal to him maybe she could remind him? He didn't believe me and continued. I followed through and contacted her. Of course, she called me a liar and took his side. I heard they even had another baby since the "situation".  I took responsibility for my actions, apologized and didn't try to convince her. I just did what I said I would. I didn't hear from him again for about 2 and a half years....

....until last night when I got the notification on Twitter. Every time I heard my phone buzz with an alert I cringed. I just knew it was him trying to talk but amazingly he didn't. Unfortunately though, the damage is done. When I see his name I'm reminded of what a terribly painful place I was in when we met back up in 2013 and how shitty my judgment had become. I'd spent my whole life trying to be a good person. Trying to make healthy choices and I threw everything I believe in away in my weakest moment.

  I do try to be a little more gentle with myself but I am my own worst critic. Grief makes you completely different person sometimes. It makes you see the world differently. It's not an excuse but rather an explanation of how it got to that point. I took part in something I find so hurtful. The ultimate betrayal. I value the sanctity of marriage. Loyalty and fidelity are so important to me. Ugh...

I regret few things in life but that is something I wish never happened. In a way we both used eachother. I will never look at him the same. Before that he was a just boy I dated a million years ago and many of my memories were good ones.

Life goes on.

What's important is I learned not to lower my expectations and standards to meet any one elses. I know what grief does to the mind and the soul now and am more mindful of behavior changes and unhealthy coping skills. I sincerely hope one day I can accept what we did and feel apathy if nothing else toward him. It's just not this day.
My advice to others is you are very vulnerable in the wake of such great loss. Dont fall into any traps. If you do, understand how it happened learn from it and keep truckin'.