Traumatic/Suicide Loss Is Unique

All loss is hard. There really isn't such a thing as an easy death or easier grief that follows the death of a loved one. I have lost many loved ones in my 37 years. The loss is different each time but I can't say any of them were easy.  The deaths most profound in my life were the one l heald closest bonds to naturally.  My best friend died in a drunk driving accident when I was 16. My grandmother died when I was 25. My favorite aunt died when I was pregnant with my middle son. My grandpa died the following year. My husband died in 2013.

Like I said, none were particularly easy but of the losses I have experiences the traumatic/sudden/suicides hit me the deepest and took the longest to come to terms with. By the time my husband took his life my best friend had been dead longer than she lived on this earth and I was still not "over" the loss. I knew when Mike died that feeling would be as much or more. Just anticipating the pain coming was unbearable. I knew from my best friends death 20 years earlier exactly what was heading my way. Like standing in the middle of a trailer park in the eye of a twister.

Traumatic loss is not like a life lost to old age. Typically when our elders pass away we know it's coming. It doesn't make it easier but we prepare for it. We hug them tight. We say thank you for all you've done and you love them. It's been a long and amazing adventure and you can with great sorrow say your final good bye.

Traumatic loss is like a telephone conversation disconnected in mid conversation. Hello....hello?....

Have you ever been completely invested in a movie, you're on the edge of your seat. The climax of the story is building and it's gonna be amazing....then the power goes out. That's how I would best describe traumatic loss. Only with a movie you can eventually find out the ending. With traumatic loss the power never comes back on. You can survive without electricity. You can make peace with not knowing how the story ended. You can find alternative power sources. You can get used to the darkness. It's less convenient and hard to adjust...but it's survivable. If you're lucky you will find a silver lining. No electric bill doesn't sound terrible...

You have to force yourself to be okay with all the unsaid, the unknown. If you don't, it will eat you up inside. It's not just the loss but the way you lost them. There are so many facets to traumatic loss. It's complex. It's complicated. Madness at times.

When my grandmother died I was never angry. She lived a long and amazing life. She was the single biggest female influence in my life time and her absence was felt so deep in my soul but she taught me so much, she changed the world I lived in. She changed how I saw the world around me. I felt great sadness but not the confusion, paralysis, anger, resentment, abandonment felt with my husband or best friends death.

Traumatic loss has so many layers. It cuts in so many directions. Once you a dress one aspect of the death another one pops up.

If you are surviving after a traumatic death right now just know you're not the only one who feels like it'll never let up. I think that's proof we loved with all our hearts. That is special. To love someone so much. It's hurts because they mattered.