It's Different This Year

Every year around this time I get sick. My immunities are already weakened and the stress, lack of sleep and depression wreak havoc on my body. I've got my signature sinus infection. It's that time. I've accepted it. I'm not super thrilled. I'd prefer to not be Ill but I know why and I just expect it.

This year I've noticed things are a bit different in my grief. I'm not sad for me or longing for what could have or should have been. I'm just so incredibly sad with his absence on this Earth. The void is overwhelming. He had so many plans. He had dreams. The thing about loving someone is when they achieve their dreams it's as much a win to you. I'm sad he didn't have the chance.

He wasn't a perfect person. Not by any means. He was flawed and toward the end I don't think he even recognized himself when he looked in the mirror. He was a stranger to us both...but I knew his hope and dreams were still in there. It was just buried underneath layers of self loating, despair and hopelessness.

He wanted to become a master mechanic. He had just started school when he died. He had plans to mod his vintage mustang. Not just ideas in his head but a binder full of part numbers and color choices. He wanted to make the project one he and our son could share. He wanted it painted a pearl purple. Sort of peacock like. The color he showed me was purple at one angle and green at another. Hard to explain but he was firm on that aspect.

He got that car for his high school graduation. He hoped to have it done in time to pass it on to Mason for HIS graduation. He was never able to start working on it when he was active duty. It was the ONE THING he looked forward to most about retiring and moving back to our home town. His parents kept it after he died. We will never have the chance to see that dream become a reality. I have been toying with the idea of finding a beater near the same year as his. Perhaps. It will never be the same though but I will do what I can to honor his wishes and dreams.

He wanted to own a custom car shop. Specializing in American Classics. We joked that on one side would be the shop and the other side would be my vintage pinup studio. We could blend both our loves in one knock out company.

He also talked briefly about working part time at Sears in the tool department so he could get an employee discount on his Craftsman. It always made me laugh. He was not a "people person". His customer service skills were a little lacking. I couldn't picture him with a red smock and name tag OR offering to assist a customer. Just imagining it makes me smile still. Trading the sexiest uniform of Marine to Sears Smock. But he was convinced it was something he wanted to do part time while in school so I supported it.

He wanted a F-250. He also wanted to buy an RV and spend time just traveling across county. No real destination just stopping whenever for a few days and moving on. When we bought our F-250 and RV it made me feel more connected to him and what he'd want to be doing if he were still here. We go out every Memorial Day to "glamp" specifically in his honor. Of course we do go out often through the year. It feels like exactly what he wanted. It feels right.

There are just so many little things he hoped and dreamed of in his life. Things that maybe others didn't even know. I know. These are the things I am so emotional about this year. I know he took his own life. I realize people will says he's the reason hes not able to make his dreams come true. But you won't ever convince me it's his fault. It's the fault of his illness. It became bigger and stronger than him.

That's why I spend so much time in prevention and awareness. Because we all have hopes and dreams and we deserve to see them achieved. Everyone is someone to somebody. Every goal big or small is worth working toward. PTSD, TBI, depression anxiety does not have to take everything away. There is hope. I can never tell him all the things I know now. I will never see the look in his eyes when he finally feels the sweet reward of a goal met.

Somewhere out there someone is excited to see that same twinkle in your eye and that satisfied smile on your face too. Make it happen. Stick around to make your own beautiful life.