The Time Is Near

Next month is the 3rd year mark of Mike's death. I can already tell it's taking a toll on my body and mind. I don't even realize it's happening until it's already happening. What I mean is I can prepare myself as much as I try and it subconsciously occurs anyway. My anxiety is pretty high. I'm not sleeping again. I am more startled by visual stimulus and have the obsessive repeating thoughts of the night he died. It's like it's on a loop in my brain playing over and over. I go minute by minute though the events that unfolded that night with a fine tooth comb in my mind. The look on his face. The sadness in his voice. The gun in his hand. The terror I felt when I heard him rack the rifle. The fear paralyzed me. I didn't scream. That lone gunshot. The silence that followed. My confusion. Irrational as it is, I continue to relive it.

Every day in the weeks leading up to the "anniversary" my thoughts are filled with so many emotions. Every day is something different. This morning I am feeling cheated in a way. I honored my vow. I stayed when I felt unsafe. I felt my kids were unsafe. I stuck around when he cheated, when he lied, when he raged. He made me feel like the most useless person. I reminded myself he was sick. I remember this fact still but it doesn't stop the tinge of resentment. The abandonment I feel in some moments. Or that I failed HIM as a wife.

Once he made me a promise. He asked if I would be patient and supportive for the first 20 years while he was active duty then he'd follow me anywhere and do the same for our next 20 years...

I heald my end of the deal. He only lasted 4 months into my 20. I have to reassure myself that he made that promise long before the illness set in. I worked so hard on our marriage. There were things that I did and I allowed that were against everything I stand for. I was so upset with the way he behaved. I was as ashamed as he was. I let him walk all over me. I really prided myself on the fact that I supported him and our marriage through the hard times as well as the happy ones.

I guess today I am feeling sorry for myself. And I'm owning it. He was sick and that was sad but he left one hell of a mess for us to clean up figuratively and literally. I'd kick him on the balls right now if I could.

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