Guilt and Sorrow

I don't think Mike had any idea how far wide and deep his suicide would touch. It was much like a domino effect. It didn't just change me, my kids, his parents and siblings. His snap decision. His warped notion he was doing us a favor was so far off.

The three year mark since his death is in a few weeks and the gloom is upon us. I thought it was just me but I'm realizing so many people were negatively impacted by his death. My sister who was in our home the night he took his life is also feeling the heaviness. I have so much sadness that she her son and husband were witness to such horror and my husband was at fault. It makes me at fault by proxy.  For the rest of my life I will worry this event will cause a relapse in her sobriety or other issues. I held my breath in the years since he died because I know this sort of trauma can be a perfect storm.

You may or may not know that my husband killed himself in our garage. It was a Sunday. By the time we were able to go it was sunrise Monday morning. We ended up going to my brothers' house. The entire family was there. My siblings, my parents, kids. I was able to relax for a moment. My sister mentioned going over to our house and cleaning up the mess. By mess I mean the biological waste his gunshot and body left behind. (Odd fact: the police don't clean that up.) I told her she was NOT to go over there. It was MY husband's mess and I would handle it. I blinked and ended up passing out. The shock had worn off momentarily. I woke up in somewhat of a panic. My mom must have heard me stirring and came in. It was so quiet. Where did everyone go? Where are my kids? She told me the kids were down stairs and my siblings had gone over to my house. I was pissed! I asked how long they had been gone. She said a while. I jumped up and started looking for my keys and purse. She told me I should probably not go but I didn't listen. At the moment I was upset that they went. I didn't want them to see that. But I understand they were trying to save ME from the same thing.

They witnessed the gruesome scene. Part of which I have refused to ask. Details. They did that for me. That trauma added to whatever other struggles they had in life. My heart breaks about this. I shouldn't have fallen asleep. I appreciate what they did that day but you can't even begin to express the gratitude for it. How could you even put that into words? "Thank you" seems almost insulting. They know I would do the same for them but I pray for their sake I will never have to.

I know his suicide affected the whole family. If I could take away what they saw and how it changed their lives...I would. I worry constantly. About how this will turn out long term on all of us. 

I don't think he had a clue how his death would damage all of us.  I don't think he was able to think past his own pain in the moment.

Amanda and Josh, Jimmie, Danny, Katie Mom and Dad I'm so sorry. Thank you for helping me when I needed it the most.  I hope and pray our family can get through this.

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