Suicide

Suicide...

It's like ending an epic novel mid sentence. In my husband's case, that novel had dedicated one page shy of 39 chapters to developing his character. Just for him to disappear. We were invested in his journey. We turned each page biting our nails and praying for a happy ending. Our society is programmed for that...the happy ending. We want all books, movies, shows to be wrapped in a red bow and a satisfying ending. But that's not the reality of suicide. Sadly, there would be more outrage on social media for a poorly finished book than our growing epidemic of veteran suicide deaths daily. 

Lately I've been dreaming about Mike a lot. I haven't decided if the dreams are happening because I'm a writer and I think and dream like one or if my subconscious and heart can handle the "stories" easier than the blunt reality. In my dreams he's always back "from the dead". Either he was off in combat and was supposed to be with a unit that was attacked and killed but by chance had been in a different location surviving on dumb luck. Or, he faked his own death. Because I'm a writer by nature, my imagination hold an infinite number of alternative scenarios. My dreams are the place I guess these alternative endings play out. While awake, I have completely accepted his death. But, I can't control what the dark recesses of my brain crank out while asleep.

The most recent dream was the night before last. In this dream he was back...we'll sort of. He appeared after all this time. He explained that he had a very difficult choice to make. I listened intently. My mind ran wild. How were we going to rebuild our life after he was pronounced dead two years ago? 

His phone rang. When he was finished I jokingly asked if that was his other family from his second life. He said quietly "actually yes..." It stunned me. He went on to tell me that while training in Arizona he'd gotten a girl pregnant and a baby was born in Febuary. His difficult decision was if he should stay with the family we've created or go out to the family he didn't know he had. 

I didn't beg him to stay. I had thought for 24 months he was dead. Our kids had accepted the fact. If he was considering it at all I'd prefer they continue to believe he was dead. Bringing him back just to lose him again BY CHOICE would shatter them. I told him I wouldn't stop him. The kids had no idea he wasn't dead and were not around when he reappeared. Our life would not change a bit by his leaving. I was oddly calm. It really was out of my character. 

He said he had a one way ticket to Germany where his baby and the other woman were now stationed. I said goodbye. He turned to me and asked why I wasn't fighting for him to stay? Don't I love him? Did he mean nothing to me? I told him he meant the world to me and that's why I wouldn't stop him from doing what he needed or wanted to do. I told him love isn't enough, the Beatles were wrong. No amount of love would keep him here with us. I told him above all else...pick the kids. Consider what is best for our kids. Do what's best for them. It's the one thing I consider before anything else when making decisions. If what he's doing is best for the kids in his mind I hold no grudge. I feel nothing but love and loss. No different than five minutes before he showed back up in my life. 

He disappeared into the crowd. The last thing I remember is my cell phone buzzing and getting a text from him. The font was in red. I clearly remember that. It said. "I will ALWAYS love you."

He made his choice. 

I laid in bed for an hour after I woke up yesterday and then moved to the couch for nearly another full hour just thinking about the dream. What did it mean? I still don't know. All I could really decide is its easier for us to accept the idea of being left for another woman than to be left with so many unanswered questions so abruptly to suicide. At least with another woman there is a chance for his happily ever after. I wish it were that easy. I wish he'd found hope in the arms of another woman. At least he would have hope. 

That's not what happened.