I was Wrong And I Apologize

My entire life I've been anti-drug. I'm ashamed to admit I even looked down on "pot heads". You'd not catch me advocating use and I'd argue with others who did. I held to the belief it was an illegal substance and therefore it was wrong. Well it's not illegal anymore and as crazy as this will sound I do advocate using medical marijuana for anxiety. I learned first hand how powerful it can be for the anxiety related to my ptsd last week.

I attended a wedding in Colorado. It was the first wedding I had been to since Mike died and I did the flowers for the reception. Although it was a beautiful joyous occasion my ptsd was triggered. I should have been celebrating but instead I found myself hiding behind a building sweating, heaving, and out of  breath. I got light headed and puked right there. I had a complete panic attack and I was so pissed at myself for not being normal. Why couldn't I get through one damned function without completely embarrassing myself? 

I practiced my deep breathing, calmed down enough, touched up my makeup and went back in to give it another try. I was on edge of course. But smiled and faked my way through it. It had nothing to do with the wedding. I am absolutely thrilled with the new couple and their union. It was mostly the music and noise and people all around me. People I didn't know and only one door out of the tent. The usual triggers. 

It was also because of the beautiful speech the best man gave. He said they would last a lifetime because the groom was so strong. It struck me like a bitchslap. Mike was the strongest man I knew. We didn't last. We didn't even last until my kids were double digits in age. It was silly. I don't even know why it bothered me. After all, it was not about me in the least. Why was I being so selfish in that beautiful moment? My ears burned with embarrassment of myself. How rude?! 

I never really know what or when something will strike me wrong. It's like "ding dong, surprise you're an asshole!" It's such a self centered condition. Everything is not about me....

It was a wonderful day. Despite my breakdown I was so happy for them. For the beautiful day and that I got to be with Cody and Sean's parents. Their warm hugs did ease my troubled mind some but the feeling lingered past the reception and into the afternoon.

After everyone had gone home and we cleaned up we left too. I was still on edge. My kolonipin didn't even put a dent in it. My body was literally buzzing, vibrating with this tension. Someone suggested I try their CBD drops to ease my anxiety. I was absolutely reluctant at first, maybe even a bit offended. But then I figured at this point any relief would be a blessing and i relented. 

It was mixed with clove oil and that's what my mom used to give us as kids for a tooth ache. So my initial reaction was BLECH! gross. But after about 20 minutes my hands stopped shaking. My body relaxed and I was calm. Really calm. Not just the manageable uneasiness provided by all the anti depressants and anti anxiety medications prescribed daily. 

And that night I slept soundly and solid without even taking my sleep medication. I woke up rested. 

I'm going today to get my red card. I never thought I'd say that. I am not suggesting illegal use of any substance, I would or could never but for me the CBD oil helped me feel comfortable in my own skin. It should be used in conjunction with other medical care and cognitive therapy for ptsd. I would in no way ever suggest you stop taking any medication prescribed by your Health care provider without speaking with them first. I'm not suggesting it's a miracle cure only that it's something that aided my condition. It will be different for all patients. 

Since Friday I've done an insane amount of research and I'm comfortable with the knowledge I've gained from learning about CBD. I'm willing to try it in conjunction with my other forms of therapy. I didn't even know this existed until now. 

I apologize for my previous opinion on the topic. I guess I never realized how beneficial it could be to those who need it. I will update all of my experience with it as I go. I'll give you the good bad and ugly. I feel like a fool for not researching it earlier. Ptsd and anxiety are two of the main conditions it's prescribed for. I could have tried it a long time ago and not suffered as much had I been less narrow minded. I feel bad about that but hopeful this may help. 

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