Support is a Delicate Balance

Since losing Mike many other survivors have came into my life. All at varying points in their journey. I have helped many and many more have helped me. Supporting others is a delicate balance between being a soft place to land and being brutally honest. You have to know when to hug a person and when to tell them to get their shit together. Sometimes...no most of the time when you have to do the latter it causes tension, outrage, defensive insults but in every case I've had to do it, after the initial shock wears off they reevaluate things and have thanked me later. No one wants to hear it but if you expect others to be honest with you it must be done.

It's never done as insulting. It never comes from a place of anger or emotion. It's part of being a truly supportive ally. Today I had to do it and it was met with much hatred and anger. I knew the true frustration she felt was within herself so I  didn't take it personally. After she posted a scathing reply to me and deleted me from Facebook I merely wished her the best. I walked away knowing I was honest and well intended. I know she may hate me now but she may consider what I've said and it could help her heal.

Her story is pretty common. As unfortunate as it may be. Her boyfriend also a Marine, died as a result of suicide. I don't even remember how we became to know each other. Obviously it was after my own husband died and I became part of the veteran suicide prevention movement. She's very young. In her 20s. No children and was never married to her sweetheart. I took her under my wing because I know there is a huge lack of support for the girlfriends and fiancé of fallen vets. For whatever reason there is a gaping void there. Their grief is no different than ours so I wanted to make sure she had that connection.

From the beginning I saw her doing all the things we do in the wake of such great loss. I wanted to help her in any way I could. At one point I even offered her my spare bedroom. Since she was just a girlfriend and not a widow she wasn't given the same benefits we are entitled. When her boyfriend died she became homeless. She lived with others from place to place and had a hard time finding someone to even keep their dog. She hasn't held a job down and was medicating herself to cope. I could see she had lost her way. I guided her. I got her in touch with various support resources. It just wasn't enough.

I could see after a while that she held on to the victim role. It became a part of her identity. Every set back, daily frustration was blamed on her boyfriends death. Two years on now she's still adrift. She surrounds herself with people who don't understand the journey. People who only feel sorry for her. They enable her to stay in that self pity. Instead of working to be a survivor she can quite easily stay victimized. It's not uncommon. Everyone grieves in their own way and their own time. There is no schedule or time frame but as a peer, someone who truly understands the path I saw how comfortable she became in that place.

We could all get stuck in that place if not for the guidance of a strong support system and proper care. I fear she will live the rest of her life in the shadow of her loss. We all have good days and bad but we must fight for our own lives in this time. We look for a handup, not a handout. We need to know we can make it out of this...not for someone to do it for us. Just a small light to follow so we can maintain hope. A reason to keep working.

The more I reached out to her, the more I noticed the resources I gave her were not what she really wanted. She wanted money. I put her in touch with TAPs. They gave her a scholarship to attend a week long retreat. She only had to pay for her hotel. They covered the flight and everything else. She complained about having to pay for anything. I was completely disgusted by her lack of gratitude in that gift. She wanted TAPS to pay for an apartment or a new car. That's just not what they do.

Today I finally had to explain to her what I saw from my perspective. I had to say what her friends who can only pity her...dare not say. I told her she needs to get her proverbial house in order. She is grieving, and that is respected but NO ONE is going to do this for her. She's not going wake up and find life and all its problems will be easy. She has to fight for herself.

My path although similar was my own. I have three kids so I had less time for self pity and wallowing in despair. I would never tell someone to "just get over it" that is an impossible feat. Life will never be the same. However, what a person wants and what they need are not all the same.

I know this much to be true: life doesn't stop after your partner dies even if it feels as it should. No one can walk your journey but you. Your support network is there to walk beside you. Taking a rest from that walk is OK and needed but we are here to encourage you to not stay in that rest permanently. In whatever capacity we can as some of us are still on our own road to healing. No one is going to work harder for you than yourself. You can be a victim or a survivor. The choice is yours alone.

If you really want what's best for a person don't bullshit or coddle them. Find the balance. Stay true to them and yourself. That's what support is to me.