CHANGES

I'd be lying if I said Mikes death didn't change me. Not bad, mostly good actually.

I was more angry, resentful, isolated and lost before he died than now. I had absolutely no control. I could not help him and he could not help himself. He just kept slipping deeper and deeper into the darkness. The air was thick, our lives became a struggle to make it through the day.

I guess people don't understand that suicide from his illness is not sudden. It can be like suffering from cancer. Sometimes it can take you quick but like in Mikes case it started with a few symptoms here and there, then progressing for years. I was literally watching him die and he was refusing any medical intervention. This was one of the most frustrating aspects. I HD to constantly remind myself he wasn't well. He wasn't intentionally hurting us but that constant debate in my head became louder and louder as time went on.

It pissed me off that he couldn't see it, or admit it. That he was putting himself before us. I couldn't trust him with the children he brought into this world. His own babies. I was resentful that I was responsible for everything, everyone at all times. I learned to disconnect. I was on auto pilot. I did whatever was necessary to get us though yet another day.

People were shocked when he died. They didn't know him. No one really did. People were shocked because I hid it so well. I remember the looks, the questions. I was a classic enabler...the exact opposite of what I was wanting to do. I made it easy for him to deny. I regret that now.

Shortly after he passed my therapist asked me a question.  She was also the widow survivor of suicide. She asked me if I was relieved after he died. At first the question infuriated me. How dare she? But after the session I went home and really thought about it.

...yes. I was. I bawled. Because of all the pain before his death and the guilt for thinking it. The stress of being a caretaker in this situation can be like a vice.

I learned that there is no shame or guilt in this. It's natural. That was a tough milestone.

I remember being so sarcastic, judgmental and short with people before Mike died. I look back and see that was my way of releasing all the resentment I felt at home. I'm more understanding now. I consider other's point of view first, I remember the person I was back then when I moved met with a similar personality and am more apt to be gentle with them because I just have no idea what's going on in their life.

I genuinely care about others and their wellbeing. Even if they refuse my help or support the offer is an open one.

I'm more patient. That was one of the hardest things to conquer. My post traumatic stress left me with no patience at all. I had to consciously work to redevelop it.

I reconnected with my life, my kids, my surroundings. I no longer has to disassociate to survive.

There are so many ways I'm a different person now.

If you are just beginning your journey as a survivor of suicide related to ptsd, keep in mind that you're not just grieving the loss but also repairing your own psyche after the illness itself. You may not realize it now but you probably did a lot of things you normally wouldn't while being a caretaker. Be gentle with yourself. Be patient and allow yourself to feel whatever it is you do.

With support from your friends family and professionals you can and get through it. It's not going to be easy but it will be worth it.