The BEST Mother's Day Gift Ever

I found out this week that after two years fighting for Mike's suicide to be ruled "service connected"....the VA granted service connection officially. I screamed, I cried, I thanked God. I felt relief for the first time in a very long time.

I honored my late husband. My final act of love and devotion to the man I'd loved since I was 14 years ago. I set the record straight. I wanted to give up a million times but something inside me said I couldn't. It was the right thing to do. I knew him for 20 years and personally witnessed his decline. I am now and was then certain his death was connected to his sacrifice to the country. His ultimate sacrifice.

There were several reasons I stayed committed to taking this all the way. The most important reasons were Kira, Mason, TJ, Jimmy, Ron and Jan. His family. The one who created him and the one we created together.

You see, my kids spent most of their life only knowing the illness. Not the true him. The man I knew who slowly succumbed to the darkness. He became a stranger. I had always kept hope he'd beat it and come back to us. That never happenend. He was very cold indifferent and down right mean to me and the kids at times. Now it's on record that it wasn't him who treated us so, but his illness. He didn't leave them because they were bad, despite him telling them this in a rage during their life. The rage was part of the illness. They will never wonder if they had been "better" that he'd still be here. He was especially cruel to my oldest son. He can be certain he loved him and he was just sick.

The day we buried Mike I asked the flag to be given to my former father in law. He asked after the ceremony why but I couldn't tell him. I had promised my former mother in law I would not tell him that the gun he used to take his life was a gift from his dad just a few months earlier for Father's Day. I gave that honor to him so he knew I didn't not blame him. I was never able to explain that to him.

I fought the VA for Ron Blum. So he would know that his gift had nothing to do with his death. His son had been sick for years. He would have done it regardless. I want him to forgive himself but I fear it may be impossible. I knew the guilt and sadness he felt and this ruling may help him to heal.

I fought for Jan Blum. She's been punishing me for his death nearly two years on. I know deep inside she's mad at herself. Perhaps this ruling helps her to realize it was not anything she did raising him. It was the war. He had nothing but great things to say about his childhood.

I did this for his brother Jimmy. They were finally getting to know each other after Mike retired and we moved back home. Jimmy never got to know the real Mike. Now he knows why. His daughter Presley will not remember her uncle Mike. I hope she will be told stories about his life and not his death.

Despite the way his family feels about me I loved their son most of my entire life and I am sorry for your loss. He was incredibly private and hid his illness. I enabled it, covered for him, made excuses and I'm sorry you were unaware.

To my babies, your dad loved you with all his heart. His brain did not work the way a typical person's did. He really felt disappearing would be better for us, as he could not stop his behavior. He thought in a way he was saving us from his rage. 

He was afraid of disappointing his parents. What he didn't realize was nothing could make them stop loving him. That's the essence of the disease. Rational thinking is lost.

The last thing he said to me right before he died was he wanted us to have a beautiful life. He was thinking of us in that final moment. Our happiness. I wish he'd never gotten sick but the bottom line is he did and it is no reflection on us.

I'm finally able to let him go now. I will grant his final request and do my best to make our life beautiful.

So close no matter how far...Nothing else matters...