The Reality Of Advocacy

The way I connect with others is very personal. People cone to me in their most desperate moments. Either they or someone they love is in a place so dark that suicide seems like a reasonable option out of their misery. In order for me to get on their level I dig deep and put myself back in time to right before Mike's suicide. Then I relive the tragedy and recall the days, months and years after his death. It can be so taxing on me emotionally but it's necessary for them to hear that it didn't benefit us in any way. It may have stopped his pain but it just started ours.

So many suicidal people say "If I just die it will be so much easier on my family." And it's so wrong. It couldn't be further from the truth. Nothing was "fixed". It only creates more illness, more problems. 

I find it easier to counsel strangers. I can give them the level of support they need without compounding the situation with personal feelings, fears and emotions. This week I helped someone I know and love and it had me bawling for hours afterward. I think I was able to make a difference with this person but the realization came for me, one day I won't be able to help. There will come a time when someone I have tried to counsel will take their life. It could be a stranger but it could also be someone I know and love and respect. This is the reality of being so immersed in the fight. 

Every time someone comes my way in need I give them my all. I truly empathize and relive my own experiences to help them understand this is not the way. I will put it all out there for them. It's all I can offer. Will it be enough? I won't know. I have to learn to make peace with the reality. I can't "save them all" while still giving 100 % service to them. I will have to learn the delicate balance. As with all lessons I've learned since his suicide, I will fight that battle when I get to it. I am realistic...but hopeful. 

I can't stop advocating for others because of fear. I own it. I'm scared I will not be able to make a difference but I will keep trying anyway. Because life is worth living. 

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