The Only Thing That Stays The Same...
...is that everything changes!
I've changed so much in the past few years. Losing your spouse to suicide is quite humbling. I know that many rude "jokes" have been made behind my back. Such as.."If I had a wife like that I'd kill myself too!" (Dont act shocked. You most likely met me before Mike died. I had my moments! And yes, it has been said of me.)
I used to see the world in black and white but now there is so much gray area. Nothing is as easy as it first appears. Where I was quick to judge once I find myself putting on their shoes as considering it from all angles. It was much more fun to make snap judgments. It was funnier, at least. Not really caring what the person would say if they heard my "jokes".
Some changes I have been forced to make and others were conscious choices made thoughtfully and intentionally. I care more now. Even when I don't want to. I am more observant and kind. I am slower to speak and quicker to act. I am more supportive to others. I think if I had shown more interest and said more to Mike, perhaps that would have made a difference? So I just don't wait to offer my friendship and empathy. I open myself up regularly for rejection and disappointment and that can be scary but so far no one has refused. I guess that change in me is a benefit. I find that I'm closer to others. My connection is stronger. Sometimes we see things, people struggling and we assume someone else must be there for them so we do nothing. I remember doing it. Now, I feel like it's a missed opportunity to connect with another human being on a deeper level. I think, this outreach may be the one thing this person needs. Just to know that someone is listening and someone notices they are floundering. If we all see it and assume someone else will be there...this person may not have a "somebody".
...and I know that I can't be everyone's "somebody" but I can at the very least drop a few kind words to say they aren't alone. Its not going to ruin my day to just reach out. Just let them know. It's become almost a fault of mine now. I will not pass up this small connection. Even if I hardly know a person. I think everyone wants and needs to be recognized. To be seen. To be validated.
I have changed. I'm not sure how much of it is just getting older and how much is from such great loss but it's noticible. I see that my rough edges are rounding off. I see the world and the people in it differently. I truly want people to find the good and beautiful in living. I want them to thrive. I can't see how this can be done without kindness, empathy, and a sense of humor.
Somehow I've kept my humanity and maybe even enhanced them in my experiences. I hate to say it, but I'm a better person for it. I'd gladly go back to be a shitty judgmental bitch to have him magically reappear but that's just not the cards we were dealt so I just embrace the me that I'm becoming. Although it's not the me I knew before.
Since his death, I care less about how things appear superficially and more how people feel. Beauty has become less aesthetic. There is something really radiant about a person liking themselves and loving the life they have created. Hope and faith are a new measure of beauty.
It's all so corny. If I had read this five years ago I'd make fun of it. Because I hadn't had the life experience to comprehend what's being offered. And, because of this I don't expect others to "get it". Maybe not now, or, maybe even never. I've committed myself to total disclosure. Regardless of if it means anything to anyone else. I will continue to own my truth.
Honestly, I don't even understand many of my feelings and thoughts these days because I'm just now getting to know whoever it is I am becoming. I've changed. I don't recognize myself at times. I react to stimuli, events, random moments differently now. I understand things I had never before and despite this I truly feel I know a whole lot less than I once did. It seems that the more I live, the less I know.
Through all these changes I am steadfast in my sense of humor. I can laugh at myself and go with it. I just do what feels right. What feels right, right now. Basically I'm winging it. I own it. I'm out of my comfort zone and have been for almost four years but we can't grown when we are stagnant. I do know this much.
I know that moving forward is easy. It's sitting still and quiet with yourself, your thoughts, feeling and choices...that's the hard part. Learning to be content in this moment can be difficult. If you're constantly trekking forward you don't have time to consider all that has happened. All that you've done and all you've become. I'm slowly learning to love this me. I'm ok with me. The me I am today is not anything I planned for or expected but I'm content with myself. I'm the kind of person I'd like to have around when I need someone. That's really all I can ask for, right? To be the kind,of friend you'd like to have.
I've made peace with having absolutely no clue or expectation of what life will bring me next. Once I had my entire life mapped out. Now I am just thankful for the day.
I have a feeling I'm not done changing. In fact I'm pretty sure I won't fully be the person I was meant to be until the end of my life and then my job here will be done. But, like I said I know less know than ever so it's anyone's guess!
The last time life was this confusing and exciting I was going through puberty and getting tits.
Life is funny.
I've changed so much in the past few years. Losing your spouse to suicide is quite humbling. I know that many rude "jokes" have been made behind my back. Such as.."If I had a wife like that I'd kill myself too!" (Dont act shocked. You most likely met me before Mike died. I had my moments! And yes, it has been said of me.)
I used to see the world in black and white but now there is so much gray area. Nothing is as easy as it first appears. Where I was quick to judge once I find myself putting on their shoes as considering it from all angles. It was much more fun to make snap judgments. It was funnier, at least. Not really caring what the person would say if they heard my "jokes".
Some changes I have been forced to make and others were conscious choices made thoughtfully and intentionally. I care more now. Even when I don't want to. I am more observant and kind. I am slower to speak and quicker to act. I am more supportive to others. I think if I had shown more interest and said more to Mike, perhaps that would have made a difference? So I just don't wait to offer my friendship and empathy. I open myself up regularly for rejection and disappointment and that can be scary but so far no one has refused. I guess that change in me is a benefit. I find that I'm closer to others. My connection is stronger. Sometimes we see things, people struggling and we assume someone else must be there for them so we do nothing. I remember doing it. Now, I feel like it's a missed opportunity to connect with another human being on a deeper level. I think, this outreach may be the one thing this person needs. Just to know that someone is listening and someone notices they are floundering. If we all see it and assume someone else will be there...this person may not have a "somebody".
...and I know that I can't be everyone's "somebody" but I can at the very least drop a few kind words to say they aren't alone. Its not going to ruin my day to just reach out. Just let them know. It's become almost a fault of mine now. I will not pass up this small connection. Even if I hardly know a person. I think everyone wants and needs to be recognized. To be seen. To be validated.
I have changed. I'm not sure how much of it is just getting older and how much is from such great loss but it's noticible. I see that my rough edges are rounding off. I see the world and the people in it differently. I truly want people to find the good and beautiful in living. I want them to thrive. I can't see how this can be done without kindness, empathy, and a sense of humor.
Somehow I've kept my humanity and maybe even enhanced them in my experiences. I hate to say it, but I'm a better person for it. I'd gladly go back to be a shitty judgmental bitch to have him magically reappear but that's just not the cards we were dealt so I just embrace the me that I'm becoming. Although it's not the me I knew before.
Since his death, I care less about how things appear superficially and more how people feel. Beauty has become less aesthetic. There is something really radiant about a person liking themselves and loving the life they have created. Hope and faith are a new measure of beauty.
It's all so corny. If I had read this five years ago I'd make fun of it. Because I hadn't had the life experience to comprehend what's being offered. And, because of this I don't expect others to "get it". Maybe not now, or, maybe even never. I've committed myself to total disclosure. Regardless of if it means anything to anyone else. I will continue to own my truth.
Honestly, I don't even understand many of my feelings and thoughts these days because I'm just now getting to know whoever it is I am becoming. I've changed. I don't recognize myself at times. I react to stimuli, events, random moments differently now. I understand things I had never before and despite this I truly feel I know a whole lot less than I once did. It seems that the more I live, the less I know.
Through all these changes I am steadfast in my sense of humor. I can laugh at myself and go with it. I just do what feels right. What feels right, right now. Basically I'm winging it. I own it. I'm out of my comfort zone and have been for almost four years but we can't grown when we are stagnant. I do know this much.
I know that moving forward is easy. It's sitting still and quiet with yourself, your thoughts, feeling and choices...that's the hard part. Learning to be content in this moment can be difficult. If you're constantly trekking forward you don't have time to consider all that has happened. All that you've done and all you've become. I'm slowly learning to love this me. I'm ok with me. The me I am today is not anything I planned for or expected but I'm content with myself. I'm the kind of person I'd like to have around when I need someone. That's really all I can ask for, right? To be the kind,of friend you'd like to have.
I've made peace with having absolutely no clue or expectation of what life will bring me next. Once I had my entire life mapped out. Now I am just thankful for the day.
I have a feeling I'm not done changing. In fact I'm pretty sure I won't fully be the person I was meant to be until the end of my life and then my job here will be done. But, like I said I know less know than ever so it's anyone's guess!
The last time life was this confusing and exciting I was going through puberty and getting tits.
Life is funny.
I'm so glad that I came across your blog, sadly it is because of one of your posts " va is killing me" That is personal to me, I have suffered so much from the va, and though your husband and I are different, I suffer all day, everyday with thoughts and urges, and just struggle to end/commit suicide. I'm sorry to bring this up, with all that you and your children have suffered through!!! But on my last attempt, I created a Facebook page/account with the name va killing me, I don't have Facebook, but created the account only to post on va boston healthcare system's Facebook page (I live in mass to, hate va Brockton, JP, and West Roxbury) I did it to punish them, to embarrass Director Ng, and all the va Doctors, Nurse Practitioners, for their treatment, or more acuratately lack of treatment, lack of caring, for just wanting me to die, to kill myself, to make their lives easier or better. I thought I had setup the privacy setting properly, that the statements and pictures I posted on my page were private to me, pictures of me carving into my leg the words "va killing me", picture of me attempting to slit my own throat, but knife was to dull, picture of me sharpening the knife to finish it properly, please understand I don't mean to make you relive or have to rethink of your husband, but my Facebook page was meant to be an epitaph, when the local police investigated my death/suicide, when my posts on the Boston VA Facebook page were seen, that they would see my pictures, my posts, my statements of disgusting level va physical care, mental care, va benifits ignoring my service connected disabilities, ignoring me, hoping I kill myself to make their lives/jobs easier. I wanted them to suffer, like they have made me suffer, I have begged/pleaded, for help, to make me better, to make me feel human again, but they just dismiss me and most other veterans. I'm sorry I'm ranting, but this is how I came across your blog, and I am so sorry that you and your children have had to suffer from this!! Bu5 I want you to know, that you have helped me, though I haven't commented before today, but you have helped me, helped me realize that my wife and families life will not necessarily be better without me, that I may finally end my suffering by killing myself, they won't be as better off as I think, or as I try to justify ending my life, wanting theirs better. Though I cannot guarantee I will not take my life, you have made me think, to know better that their live won't automatically be better without me, thank you, I hope I can be strong enough to continue for my family's sake, for that, for you expressing what you have been through, the suffering and honesty, I thank you!!
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