The Dreaded Medical Registration

Everytime I have to register for anything medical I am asked the obligatory  insurance questions. I have to go through the same conversationas everyone else with one exception. Who is my Tricare sponsor?It's Mike. What is his social security number? "So, you said it's through your husband. You're married?" No widowed.

...Then the awkward moment.

 They stumble through the next few questions apologizing etc. I end up feeling worse for them for having to ask and be embarrased or feeling bad for me. I appreciate having medical insurance very much but I always dread that part. Not for myself. For the person who is about to ask. Sometimes they are surprised and say "but, honey...you're so young..." or some random observation. It really sucks the happiness right out of them.

 I think in that moment they realize their worst fear in me. I can see it in their eyes. I have tried many ways to buffer the reaction and even semi-prepare them before I answer. Once I said my "late husband" was the sponsor/insurance holder. The registrar thought I said my husband was running late for the appointment. She said "Did you say you're husband is coiming but running behind?" No ma'am. He's deceased.

And...there it is again.

Once a woman was particularly upset by it and apologized --either for my loss or her reaction to it, while tears filled in her eyes. I said "Thank you. I've had two years to come to terms with it. You've only has two minutes." I smiled and reassured her.

I don't want to appear flippant about the loss but I do tend to gloss over it as quickly as possible in these moments. They are supposed to be quick demographic/insurance questions. I try to treat it as answering my gender or address. No emotion, just fact.

 I am anxious, not about the medical visit, the results of any test or exam... but the first few moments of the visit.  Before I even see a doctor. And, I always feel bad. I am like a storm cloud rolling in to rain on their otherwise beautiful morning. I don't like being someone who makes others fearful or worried...but when I say the word "widowed"...especially to a married woman around my age I see the wheels turning. I see them walking in my shoes and realizing widows aren't all elderly women who raised their children and grand children while living into their golden days beside the man she promised to love all those years before. In that brief moment they panic. Sometimes knocking the wind from their lungs.

I suppose it's part of the human experience. Empathy. I am sorry for having to even put them in that situation and if I could avoid it I would. I will continue to try out new ways of getting through it more effectively.