NEWTOWN FILM
I watched the new documentary about the Newtown survivors. I know the story. I recognize the families and I feel strongly about the two aspects of event. 1) I am the survivor of traumatic loss. 2) I am the mother of a child on the spectrum. It's deeply personal to me. I feel like the tragedy should be broken into these two separate but equal topics of discussion. So I will address them this way. Today about the trauma. In the future perhaps, I will find a way to get into the second part.
I think it was probably very well intended that there was NO MENTION of Adam Lanza in the latest documentary. It was no coincidence, for this I am pretty sure.
The primary focus was on the surviving families loss and their grief journey. In this respect it is easy to prioritize and separate the two pages of the issue. As a survivor of a traumatic loss I immediately identified with the emotions and actions of those interviewed. The lyrics to "Killing Me Softly" best describe listening to them. It was as if they pulled the feelings I kept in the deepest darkest recesses of my heart. As a survivor and a mentor I wanted to reach out to them, to comfort them and to tell them they aren't alone. Although I am a fellow survivor I found myself thinking there is no greater anguish than losing your child. Your baby. It is something I can't imagine. Just trying to empathize and put myself in their position is so overwhelming. I understood the range of emotion though. The angry moments, the days you ask yourself if you're crazy or if the person ever existed in the first place. I understood the inability to pass the place they lost their loved one. I totally identified with the desire to burn the building to the ground. One mom said she never knew where or when she would be triggered by the memory of that day. A smell...A sound...A chance meeting. Its true.
A traumatic loss is a completely different type of loss. We have all lost a loved one and it is hard. No loss is easy. But when the loss is combined with trauma you are not only taken back to the memory of your loved one but whatever traumatic event led to their demise. It's, at times, a double whammy. Insult to injury. You can't say that they lived a long and eventful life and died peacefully the way one should. So you're left with rage, and emptiness, and questions and an inert need to have details and facts and to fight for or on behalf of them. I find we tend to go in to three directions: 1) Denial 2) Blame 3) Advocacy. Sometimes all three are experiences in a progression. Sometimes #1 and #2 lead to #3 and we find a way to channel or energy into making social changes that will not allow the same fate for families who come after you. If you get hung up on #1 or #2 you are only spinning your wheels. They are both coping road blocks and only delay the inevitable. You cant stop the process. You can divert, you can self medicate, you can temporarily ignore but eventually the road blocks you build to avoid your grief become problems of their own. They manifest in mental illness, addiction, suicide.
A traumatic event is like the slight wind that tips the first domino in a long line. It sets off a chain reaction of so many things. Things that have to be addressed. Its not just dealing with the loss of someone you loved so deeply. That's just one part. The other part is dealing with what that loss has done to your heart and your head. Trauma can actually permanently alter your brain chemistry. That's incredible if you think about it! Something that happens externally has the power to to change your physiological state. It's not just emotional, it's biological. Trauma can cause Post Traumatic Stress. Not all who experience trauma with end up with PTSD but all with PTSD experienced trauma.
I think it was probably very well intended that there was NO MENTION of Adam Lanza in the latest documentary. It was no coincidence, for this I am pretty sure.
The primary focus was on the surviving families loss and their grief journey. In this respect it is easy to prioritize and separate the two pages of the issue. As a survivor of a traumatic loss I immediately identified with the emotions and actions of those interviewed. The lyrics to "Killing Me Softly" best describe listening to them. It was as if they pulled the feelings I kept in the deepest darkest recesses of my heart. As a survivor and a mentor I wanted to reach out to them, to comfort them and to tell them they aren't alone. Although I am a fellow survivor I found myself thinking there is no greater anguish than losing your child. Your baby. It is something I can't imagine. Just trying to empathize and put myself in their position is so overwhelming. I understood the range of emotion though. The angry moments, the days you ask yourself if you're crazy or if the person ever existed in the first place. I understood the inability to pass the place they lost their loved one. I totally identified with the desire to burn the building to the ground. One mom said she never knew where or when she would be triggered by the memory of that day. A smell...A sound...A chance meeting. Its true.
A traumatic loss is a completely different type of loss. We have all lost a loved one and it is hard. No loss is easy. But when the loss is combined with trauma you are not only taken back to the memory of your loved one but whatever traumatic event led to their demise. It's, at times, a double whammy. Insult to injury. You can't say that they lived a long and eventful life and died peacefully the way one should. So you're left with rage, and emptiness, and questions and an inert need to have details and facts and to fight for or on behalf of them. I find we tend to go in to three directions: 1) Denial 2) Blame 3) Advocacy. Sometimes all three are experiences in a progression. Sometimes #1 and #2 lead to #3 and we find a way to channel or energy into making social changes that will not allow the same fate for families who come after you. If you get hung up on #1 or #2 you are only spinning your wheels. They are both coping road blocks and only delay the inevitable. You cant stop the process. You can divert, you can self medicate, you can temporarily ignore but eventually the road blocks you build to avoid your grief become problems of their own. They manifest in mental illness, addiction, suicide.
A traumatic event is like the slight wind that tips the first domino in a long line. It sets off a chain reaction of so many things. Things that have to be addressed. Its not just dealing with the loss of someone you loved so deeply. That's just one part. The other part is dealing with what that loss has done to your heart and your head. Trauma can actually permanently alter your brain chemistry. That's incredible if you think about it! Something that happens externally has the power to to change your physiological state. It's not just emotional, it's biological. Trauma can cause Post Traumatic Stress. Not all who experience trauma with end up with PTSD but all with PTSD experienced trauma.
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