Teenage Suicide
So many teen/pre-teen suicides are being blamed on bullying these days. Before I even begin I will say bullying is wrong. It is painful and never appropriate. Having said this, I want to explain why it's usually not just due to bullying. Being bullied is usually just another effect in the perfect storm of a suicidal person.
What I mean is, although there was clear evidence the girl or boy was being bullied it's probably NOT the only reason they were in that desperate mindset where suicide seemed like a plausible way out. Was it a layer in the shit cake they had, absolutely. The reality is many many people are bullied. I was bullied. From the age of 11. I even stopped riding the school bus in middle school because an 8th grader on the bus told me, if I got on she was going to beat my ass right off again. Luckily it was toward the end of the year, the weather was not bad and she was going to 9th grade next so I knew I could return to the bus at the beginning of the next year. I never told an adult. I didn't even know to tell someone.
We also didn't have youthful suicides when I was growing up. I'm sure somewhere there had been a few but it was not a viable option. It wasn't even talked about or considered. Today's kids in any town know someone who attempted or succeeded in taking their own life.
It takes more than a bully to get them there. The bullying may be the straw that broke the camels back but in every single case I read whether the family or article cites bullying as the motivation there is more.
I want to share my observations so parents can dig deeper and try to prevent suicide. To address issues before it should ever come to that. If your child is being bullied ask them what the other kids are saying specifically. Because as long as there is rumor, there is a speck of truth in the story. Of course I'm not in any way shape or form blaming a victim of "bringing on" the harassment but if they are being bullied for being "nerdy" or smart or socially awkward you should ask yourself if they are putting too much stress on themselves academically, or if your expectations are set for them too high. Today's parents want so much for their kids and their future that we want them to be in every sport, club, activity and advanced class. It comes from a very well meaning place. We know the better they do now the more seriously they will be considered for great colleges and great colleges increase their chance for good careers. A good career means they won't have to struggle as much. But today's kids have ulcers, and anxiety and breakdowns more than ever before. The become so laser focused on being the best for their future that they break down, turn to drugs and alcohol, self harm, and in some cases kill themselves over it. They can never make it to adulthood from all the stress we and they place on them to be successful in adulthood!
When kids are bullied about being poor or disadvantaged or from a broken home, it typically doesn't lead to suicide because nothing an asshole kid could possibly say is as bad as what they are experiencing at home. Speaking from personal experience, our self esteem is already shot so we actually expect to be treated poorly in all aspects of life. Poor kids have better coping skills because we have to cope from birth. Sure, we are more likely to turn to drugs, drip out and continue the cycle but we typically don't see suicide in those kids.
Kids who are Slut shamed and called a whore are at risk. Not from the bullying but from whatever came before the rumors. Sometimes girls are just catty little jerks and make truly devistating rumors up about another but if there is something like this going on at a young age especially...dig! If your 11 or 12 year old child is sexually active that's a problem. You have to find out why. Not for the purpose to blame anyone or thing but to understand her specific risk factors and how to help her develop. In my case I was sexually abused as a girl. I had no concept of boundaries or respect for my body. I thought the only way to get boys to like you was to let them do whatever they wanted to you. It's as if I had no self esteem at all. If you have no self esteem t
And dont like yourself, you expect others to do the same. The thing is, you begin to mature and realize maybe this is not right...and then the shame starts. The overwhelming realization that everything you allowed was wrong. You feel dirty. And any rumor of your sexuality--true or false is like validation to all the self hate you feel inside. The bullying may very well be the most obvious glaring factor after the family loses a child to suicide but the seeds were planted long before that. And, it's not the child's fault, or the parents fault, or even the fault of the relentless kids. It's a combination of very bad things that got her there.
Kids are bullied because of their sexual preferences. Gay teens are at risk. Even the older age range and yes, bullying and hate are mentioned in the mix but it's not the only factor. Being different in any way is a source of anxiety. There is such negativity associated with homosexuality in our society. If you're gay you also molest small children and are an abomination and the God you've known your whole life now Damn you to hell, family members object, friends parents ban you from their homes and access to friendships you've had since preschool. People who adored you before despise your existence now. If these things aren't happening the fear they will is still present. Even if deep in the darkest places of your mind. The decision to share your authentic self is a huge heavy responsibility. You question yourself, the community you live in and the world around you. Luckily many more people out there are loving, accepting and good but there is always the fear. Rejection hurts everyone. No one is immune to this feeling. It's not being gay that leads to suicide ideation it's the rejection. Being told you are suddenly less deserving of a fruitful and successful life because you are attracted to the same sex. It's ridiculous and painful to even consider how many young people are feeling this right now.
Basically what I'm trying to convey here is that if your child is being bullied you can give them the "kill them with kindness" lecture. Or take the "just avoid them" route. You can even decide to go to DC and lobby for stricter bullying laws but if you don't take the bullying as a possible sign of something bigger and investigate how you can or may strengthen them and refortify their foundation then you're not doing them any favors.
Bullying is *A* problem but it is not *THE* problem. I know that some patents will read this and in their own guilty conscious glean that I'm blaming THEIR parenting as the problem. It is simply not the case but I respect their misconstrued thought process.
My husband took his own life in 2013. He was a combat Marine with 20 years of service, he had PTSD for nearly half of his career. It was not war that drove him to suicide, or specifically the Marine Corps. There is not one defining element that caused it. It was the combination of many things. Things that piled up suffocating him. Things that when untangled and managed separately were easily remedied. But when you get that depressed you lose the ability to prioritize and come up with a rational plan of attack. I blame no one for his death. Maybe circumstances. The same circumstances I'm trying to help you understand and address in your own life. Whether or not I'm doing it justice remains to be seen but I do hope I can convey what I have learned in my experience, in a way that can help others in prevention and also healing.
I see familes blame quite adamantly and vocally one specific person, place or thing responsible for their loved ones suicide and it makes me so sad. I completely understand why it's done. Mostly is a coping mechanism. It's so much easier to blame someone or something in the,wake of such grief. It is far easier to be angry than to come to terms with what they did. Someone or something must have drove them to this unimaginable, unspeakable fate. They speak all their time and energy trained on this anger so they have none left to manage their own grief. It works too. But generally when you avoid the natural process it just delays the pain. It skews reality. You become more rabid and deluded. You end up sounding quite crazy to others who don't understand why you're so "passionate". In many cases we do turn to advocacy after such loss but the grief must come first. Acceptance. It will alter your perception and cause you more problems. There is no appropriate way to grieve but it IS necessary.
Suicide is traumatic. You don't have to witness it in order to be affected by traumatic loss. When someone is there one moment and gone the next you will be traumatized. The severity of it varies. You can't predict how it affects you.
You lost someone you love in such a traumatic way. It's not your fault. In our grief it's necessary to do periodic self assessments. Am I hyperfocused on one particular aspect of the loss? Is it blocking me from proceeding? Why is it I'm so focused on one person place or thing? Is my focus helping myself or others? How can I more effectively manage this?
I'd like to help families become more self aware and proactive on common links associated with suicide. Maybe we can prevent them. Every single family who is affected by suicide looks back and says "why didn't I see this coming?" I've never met one who hasn't yet. There is a huge amount of guilt. That will probably never change. It's just how our brains process it.
I think we do have a better handle on risk factors associated with suicidal ideation. I think if we share what we observe and what we have learned along the way we may be able to make a difference. I will continue to share and I encourage other survivors to do the same. I encourage parents to talk to their kids about stressors and coping skills and find out how they can strengthen them, provide them with resources and proper stress relief. I want parents to remind their kids that even adults screw up and it's ok. I want parents to assure kids they are not a burden but a gift. I want kids to survive adulthood and have amazing lives. I want to change the view and accessibility suicide has in our society.
What I mean is, although there was clear evidence the girl or boy was being bullied it's probably NOT the only reason they were in that desperate mindset where suicide seemed like a plausible way out. Was it a layer in the shit cake they had, absolutely. The reality is many many people are bullied. I was bullied. From the age of 11. I even stopped riding the school bus in middle school because an 8th grader on the bus told me, if I got on she was going to beat my ass right off again. Luckily it was toward the end of the year, the weather was not bad and she was going to 9th grade next so I knew I could return to the bus at the beginning of the next year. I never told an adult. I didn't even know to tell someone.
We also didn't have youthful suicides when I was growing up. I'm sure somewhere there had been a few but it was not a viable option. It wasn't even talked about or considered. Today's kids in any town know someone who attempted or succeeded in taking their own life.
It takes more than a bully to get them there. The bullying may be the straw that broke the camels back but in every single case I read whether the family or article cites bullying as the motivation there is more.
I want to share my observations so parents can dig deeper and try to prevent suicide. To address issues before it should ever come to that. If your child is being bullied ask them what the other kids are saying specifically. Because as long as there is rumor, there is a speck of truth in the story. Of course I'm not in any way shape or form blaming a victim of "bringing on" the harassment but if they are being bullied for being "nerdy" or smart or socially awkward you should ask yourself if they are putting too much stress on themselves academically, or if your expectations are set for them too high. Today's parents want so much for their kids and their future that we want them to be in every sport, club, activity and advanced class. It comes from a very well meaning place. We know the better they do now the more seriously they will be considered for great colleges and great colleges increase their chance for good careers. A good career means they won't have to struggle as much. But today's kids have ulcers, and anxiety and breakdowns more than ever before. The become so laser focused on being the best for their future that they break down, turn to drugs and alcohol, self harm, and in some cases kill themselves over it. They can never make it to adulthood from all the stress we and they place on them to be successful in adulthood!
When kids are bullied about being poor or disadvantaged or from a broken home, it typically doesn't lead to suicide because nothing an asshole kid could possibly say is as bad as what they are experiencing at home. Speaking from personal experience, our self esteem is already shot so we actually expect to be treated poorly in all aspects of life. Poor kids have better coping skills because we have to cope from birth. Sure, we are more likely to turn to drugs, drip out and continue the cycle but we typically don't see suicide in those kids.
Kids who are Slut shamed and called a whore are at risk. Not from the bullying but from whatever came before the rumors. Sometimes girls are just catty little jerks and make truly devistating rumors up about another but if there is something like this going on at a young age especially...dig! If your 11 or 12 year old child is sexually active that's a problem. You have to find out why. Not for the purpose to blame anyone or thing but to understand her specific risk factors and how to help her develop. In my case I was sexually abused as a girl. I had no concept of boundaries or respect for my body. I thought the only way to get boys to like you was to let them do whatever they wanted to you. It's as if I had no self esteem at all. If you have no self esteem t
And dont like yourself, you expect others to do the same. The thing is, you begin to mature and realize maybe this is not right...and then the shame starts. The overwhelming realization that everything you allowed was wrong. You feel dirty. And any rumor of your sexuality--true or false is like validation to all the self hate you feel inside. The bullying may very well be the most obvious glaring factor after the family loses a child to suicide but the seeds were planted long before that. And, it's not the child's fault, or the parents fault, or even the fault of the relentless kids. It's a combination of very bad things that got her there.
Kids are bullied because of their sexual preferences. Gay teens are at risk. Even the older age range and yes, bullying and hate are mentioned in the mix but it's not the only factor. Being different in any way is a source of anxiety. There is such negativity associated with homosexuality in our society. If you're gay you also molest small children and are an abomination and the God you've known your whole life now Damn you to hell, family members object, friends parents ban you from their homes and access to friendships you've had since preschool. People who adored you before despise your existence now. If these things aren't happening the fear they will is still present. Even if deep in the darkest places of your mind. The decision to share your authentic self is a huge heavy responsibility. You question yourself, the community you live in and the world around you. Luckily many more people out there are loving, accepting and good but there is always the fear. Rejection hurts everyone. No one is immune to this feeling. It's not being gay that leads to suicide ideation it's the rejection. Being told you are suddenly less deserving of a fruitful and successful life because you are attracted to the same sex. It's ridiculous and painful to even consider how many young people are feeling this right now.
Basically what I'm trying to convey here is that if your child is being bullied you can give them the "kill them with kindness" lecture. Or take the "just avoid them" route. You can even decide to go to DC and lobby for stricter bullying laws but if you don't take the bullying as a possible sign of something bigger and investigate how you can or may strengthen them and refortify their foundation then you're not doing them any favors.
Bullying is *A* problem but it is not *THE* problem. I know that some patents will read this and in their own guilty conscious glean that I'm blaming THEIR parenting as the problem. It is simply not the case but I respect their misconstrued thought process.
My husband took his own life in 2013. He was a combat Marine with 20 years of service, he had PTSD for nearly half of his career. It was not war that drove him to suicide, or specifically the Marine Corps. There is not one defining element that caused it. It was the combination of many things. Things that piled up suffocating him. Things that when untangled and managed separately were easily remedied. But when you get that depressed you lose the ability to prioritize and come up with a rational plan of attack. I blame no one for his death. Maybe circumstances. The same circumstances I'm trying to help you understand and address in your own life. Whether or not I'm doing it justice remains to be seen but I do hope I can convey what I have learned in my experience, in a way that can help others in prevention and also healing.
I see familes blame quite adamantly and vocally one specific person, place or thing responsible for their loved ones suicide and it makes me so sad. I completely understand why it's done. Mostly is a coping mechanism. It's so much easier to blame someone or something in the,wake of such grief. It is far easier to be angry than to come to terms with what they did. Someone or something must have drove them to this unimaginable, unspeakable fate. They speak all their time and energy trained on this anger so they have none left to manage their own grief. It works too. But generally when you avoid the natural process it just delays the pain. It skews reality. You become more rabid and deluded. You end up sounding quite crazy to others who don't understand why you're so "passionate". In many cases we do turn to advocacy after such loss but the grief must come first. Acceptance. It will alter your perception and cause you more problems. There is no appropriate way to grieve but it IS necessary.
Suicide is traumatic. You don't have to witness it in order to be affected by traumatic loss. When someone is there one moment and gone the next you will be traumatized. The severity of it varies. You can't predict how it affects you.
You lost someone you love in such a traumatic way. It's not your fault. In our grief it's necessary to do periodic self assessments. Am I hyperfocused on one particular aspect of the loss? Is it blocking me from proceeding? Why is it I'm so focused on one person place or thing? Is my focus helping myself or others? How can I more effectively manage this?
I'd like to help families become more self aware and proactive on common links associated with suicide. Maybe we can prevent them. Every single family who is affected by suicide looks back and says "why didn't I see this coming?" I've never met one who hasn't yet. There is a huge amount of guilt. That will probably never change. It's just how our brains process it.
I think we do have a better handle on risk factors associated with suicidal ideation. I think if we share what we observe and what we have learned along the way we may be able to make a difference. I will continue to share and I encourage other survivors to do the same. I encourage parents to talk to their kids about stressors and coping skills and find out how they can strengthen them, provide them with resources and proper stress relief. I want parents to remind their kids that even adults screw up and it's ok. I want parents to assure kids they are not a burden but a gift. I want kids to survive adulthood and have amazing lives. I want to change the view and accessibility suicide has in our society.
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