Just Gone

I've not been writing a lot lately because just as I was once told I am slowly able to live my life unbound by the immense grief of losing my husband. The grief is still there. The loss will be felt forever, but I am not crippled by the emptiness the way I once was. As of now, I can go days or weeks without having to break down in tears. My days are starting to resemble an ordinary average mom and woman. I get up and go to work, take care of my kids, volunteer, laugh and love. I experience great joy and pride. I can feel these thing without the overwhelming guilt that I had when I first became a widow. It was very hard to feel happiness knowing he was not there to share it. I have gotten to the point that I know its okay to feel good. I am even "content" most days. I am so grateful for what I have and where my life is going despite the loss. My life doesn't revolve around his death and my despair anymore.

This doesn't mean I'm "over it". If no one has told you...there is no "over it". I still struggle with the PTSD of the trauma. Its a daily fight. I am still reminded of him in the most random moments but it doesnt shatter me into a million pieces like before. It makes me smile. It makes me warm in the memory of whatever triggers the thoughts. For instance, a client came in to the office the other day and when they smiled I noticed his bottom teeth were crowded in the same way Mike's were. I could only giggle at myself for this flash in my head. His crowded teeth? I will be honest...I have never even given his teeth any real attention. Until that day. In that moment. Another time I happened to notice the sun glasses sitting on my dash. They have been there for months, maybe years. I remembered that I bought those to go with the outfit I wore on our last Easter together. He was going through a "guido" period and was gelling and slicking back his hair that Easter and I was amused thinking about it. Up until then he'd been an active duty Marine. He'd had the same hair cut for 20 years prior. He was finally able to "find his style". That made me happy for him. Or, there was the drive home on the freeway when "Nothing Else Matters" came on the radio and I turned it up and sang so loud it burned my throat. It was our song. So close no matter how far. As the song ended my attention shifted to the slow 18 wheeler driving ahead of me. On the back was a primered out classic Mustang convertible just like the one he had and loved so much.

Things everywhere and at any time can bring up a memory. It's a testament to how well we knew eachother and how long we were committed. I cannot avoid these things. I've realized you cannot truly love someone and know them so intimately without having memories tied to just about all things. Your brain and heart just work that way.

For now he's just gone but only physically.  People make lasting imprint on those who love them. Instead of focusing on his absence I'm thankful for having the opportunity to love and be loved that way. His imprint is not mortal but it definitely lives on.

I've found creative ways to keep walking forward in my life while honoring him. It's a delicate balance. I know he would want me to make something of myself and use our experience to help others. So, I have spent less time collecting my thoughts here and more time with others around me and experiencing life! I'm constantly
re-evaluating what works best for me. How I can better myself in order to parent our children and advocate for veterans and their families.

Life does go on. It's not anything like the life we shared when he was alive. I'm becoming a bit more comfortable with that knowledge but it is my life and nothing will ever be the same for us. That's something I struggle with still. How 2.5 minutes on the clock can literally alter your entire life. In the time of a TV commercial break everything you know to be true can change. Unless you've been changed this way it may seem unfathomable.

What's important now us that I am healthy, as are my kids. We laugh, we love and we have hope for the future. Not just in spite of our past experiences but because of them.

He's gone but not forgotten.

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