Unpredictable Emotions

Last night we were shopping for a Ford F-250 to pull a fifth wheel. We've been looking for weeks. We finally found one that was not outrageously expensive, had the features we desired and decent milage. We were all super happy driving off in it. Everyone was smiling and excited for all the great adventures we will have as a family in the rig. We love camping and traveling so it really was a big moment for us...

Even though my heart was filled with such joy and excitement on the way home as I trailed behind in the
Volvo watching the kids stick their heads out of the quad cab windows letting their hair blow like puppy dogs...a sadness came over me. Mike really wanted this truck. It was all he talked about for 6 months before he passed.  He searched online just as we have been doing trying to find the perfect one. I wished for a moment I could have gotten him that truck. I won't fool myself into thinking it would have saved him but he would have momentarily been as excited as we were.

Then of course Green Day came on the radio " For what it's worth, it was worth all the while. It's something unpredictable but at the time was right...I hope you had the time of your life..." tears fell down my face. I felt that familiar old  lump in my throat.

...WHY AM I CRYING?! This is such a happy moment. Life Is finally starting to fall into place. I'm so content with life. I like my life, the life we have made...

The answer is pretty simple. Time helps us learn to cope with tragedy but it doesn't erase the memory. He's gone physically but he's still very much part of who we are. You can not love someone for 20 years and expect life to go on smoothly after they are gone. Regardless of how long. Every single thing I hear, see, smell, touch sparks a memory of him. 

It's not a bad thing if you realize that's how they connect with you. And you with them. So although I cry randomly. ..unexpectedly they aren't always tears of sorrow. But then, I can't ever predict which. Brains are crazy like that.

When we go on those camping trips he will be with us in our thoughts and hearts. We take him everywhere.

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