Just Content

For the first time in a very long time, when it's quiet and my day is done, after the kids have gone to sleep I am content. For the past 13 months I have dreaded nightfall. At night when my chores were done and my body would rest my mind would run wild with anxiety and fear, sadness, emptiness, longing with a sense of just being lost. I have noticed the past few nights that I am at peace. I feel accomplished by day's end and can sit with myself in silence. 

I really hope the feeling stays. I think I like the new me. I don't want anything, I don't need anything. I'm not too hot or too cold, lonely or frustrated. My hearts not racing. I'm not mentally preparing an escape route should disaster strike. I'm just enjoying the softness of my favorite throw blanket on the couch, the breeze flowing in from the patio. The chimes jingling. 

The anxiety is slowly starting to let up. I haven't needed my sleep medication for 6 months and I haven't need the kolonipin for 6 weeks. I am less jumpy. I am still startled by sudden loud noises but I am finding it's easier to soothe myself in the wake of the panic attacks. I don't cry or immediately go back to the gunshot ringing out every time. 

I am starting to have more patience but it is something I consciously work on daily. I am beginning to feel like I can overcome this. There is hope where at one time I felt trapped by the PTSD. As if I would always have to live in that place. A place of panic, frustration, agitation, isolation and loneliness. I feel like I can come to an agreement with my body and my mind that things will never be the same but yet I can manage the way my brain responds to certain stimuli. 

I know my triggers, I have learned what works best for me when they occur. I'm proactive in my treatment and stay educated on new developments with the condition. I feel as if I have a sense of power again.

For the first time in a long time I feel almost...normal. I've learned to be kinder to myself.