The Fault In Our Stars

I finally watched the movie today. It reminded me how cruel like can be. 

Hazel said "you gave me a forever within a number of days and for that I am forever grateful. I love you so much"

I don't know if it's worse living a length of time knowing you're dying of a terminal illness or having it all taken away in a blink? I guess we all know were dying. It's inevitable. But would we live differently if we knew it was coming soon?

She said no pain in her cancer battle compared to the loss of her loved Augustus. She was even able to tell him everything she wanted to say before he passed. I think that's the worst part. There are so many things I never got to say. Just like the novel Hazel was obsessed with our story ended in the middle of a sentence. 

No pain compares to how my heart feels every minute of every day. Grief is like emotional cancer. I take the medication, have a great support network, talk talk talk about it and still it doesn't get better. I keep fighting. I still wake up everyday. 

I have to try to find my way in this forever changed world. I also have to be the beacon of light to show my kids the way. The weight of that responsibility is so heavy on me. Sometimes I feel blindfolded and as if my beacon ran out of batteries.

I can ask why he did this to me a million times but it doesn't change the fact that he's gone and I'm still here and scared, confused, lost, alone even in a crowd. It's like having a limb amputated. Even on my happiest day there is still an ache of uneasiness.

I don't know that I will ever be whole again or if this person I have become is the person I will stay. What if there is no getting better and this is the best I can be?

I'm tired of everyone telling me how strong I am because I am not. I wake up everyday because I have to. Because my kids need at least one parent who is there. This is not what I wanted for them. The person I've become is not the best I could give them. But at the same time it's the best I can do for now. I wanted to be a great mother. Now all I can say for certain is I am a mother. 

I never planned for this. It was never in my play book. Of all the scenarios in which my life could lead this was never a thought in my head. 

Here I am. dying a little everyday. I can't slow it down.

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