There really is a fog

Now that time has passed and we are approaching five months since he passed I realized there really was a "fog" my head was in immediately after Mikes death. I did so many things in hindsight I wish I hadn't done. Also, so many things happened and I should have spoke up but I just didn't have the energy to fight it.

The thing that bothers me the most is, we had the owner of Servpro come in to do the biohazard cleaning in the garage. He offered to do the work for trade of the value in Mikes tools. I didn't have money the day after he died and I needed all the blood cleaned up before I could bring my kids back in the house. So I agreed. Mike was a mechanic. I had also been buying him Craftsman tools every holiday since we were married. 

The guy took every single tool in our garage. Everything. He basically robbed us. 
There were also several items that he said must be disposed of because they were a biohazard. Mikes amazing Halloween coffin. the one he made special to jump out of every year to scare the kids. I watched them load it up with tears rolling down my face. He loved it. We loved Halloween.

...well it turns out he didn't trash it, he kept it. It was in his front yard with his decorations. It felt like a betrayal. Salt in a wound. 

Next, the coroners office allowed the wrong funeral home to take my husbands body. When our funeral home went to pick him up he wasn't there. They had to hunt him down. After they found him the funeral home who mistakenly retrieved him called me to tell me I owed them 350.00 for THEIR mistake.  I did put my foot down on that.

At the memorial service in Jefferson Barracks, I requested they give the flag to Mikes dad during the ceremony. His dad bought him the gun he used for Father's Day. I knew his pain and guilt was indescribable. I just wanted to ease it and let him know I didn't blame him. I gave that honor to him instead of keeping it for myself and Children.

I gave a lot of his belongings away to his family and friend. I wish I had kept some of those things now that my mind is clear. I did ask his parents to please leave the items to the kids when their time on Earth is done.

I lost my job after his death. Without even a warning. Later I was told due to my PTSD I could not possibly perform the tasks. I didn't fight it. I just cried instead.

There are so many things I am learning to do alone since he died. Something happens everyday and I have to figure it out on my own. 

I guess my point is the "fog" people tell you about does exist but you don't even notice it until it clears. I can't even say for sure it's 100% lifted even now. I guess I won't know until later. I just try to make the best decision I can and not be too hard on myself if it turns out it's not the best choice.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

False Domestic Violence Allegations and Personality Disorders

Domestic violence is a major issue in our society today, laws have been made to protect those suffering from abuse in the home. It took many years for such laws to be enacted. At one time it was perfectly acceptable for a man to hit, berate and sexually assault his wife. It was considered a valid exercise of authority from husband to wife. We have come a long way. The authorities now recognize this as what it is, abuse.  Because new laws exist women can live freely without fear of violence. Many women are alive today because the court's protection. With that being said, it is also now being used as a tool by women to exercise power over men in their lives. It's a sad and disgusting result of the very laws to protect us. False allegations of domestic violence are at the very least an insult to women who are abused. It makes efforts to secure protection even harder for women who actually need it.  If you are going through a divorce or custody issue and file false charges to gain
Read more

Service Member Suicide

It was recently announced that we have lost more service members this year to suicide than in combat. The statement is shocking, considering we are occupying Afghanistan and other war torn areas of the world and everyday another name is added to the list. People don't want to talk about the suicides. Its as if its a shameful secret swept under the rug. According to the Army soldier suicide is up 80%. EIGHTY PERCENT. We are doing something wrong. It seems that those who truly need help are afraid to talk and those who don't want to quickly blame PTSD for any shortcoming they have in life after war. On the news, if someone robs a bank the first thing they report is he was a combat veteran in one of the branches of the US Military. They skirt around PTSD as a motive. PTSD is real and its not an excuse to toss around lightly. I know why our service members don't reach out. I have been personally effected by it and now since my husband is weeks from retirement and 20 years of
Read more

The Gentle Giant

Image
There are three men in my life that since childhood I have trusted explicitly. Jaime Valenzuela, Sean McGee, and Kenny Loveless. They have loved and protected me for 25 years and have always been there for me in thick and thin. The relationship was special with those three and even to this day I know for a fact that if I called them and told them I needed help their first reply would be "who's ass needs kicking?" It would NOT matter who, or if I were right or wrong they had my back. Today we lost one of those guys and in a way the world feels a bit less safe. We learned that Kenny passed away. He will be sorely missed by so many. We grew up together in a small farming community in Missouri, in the same neighborhood just one street away. There was a group of neighborhood kids who were together daily usually mobbed up in one or the other's front yard. We were as thick as thieves. For the most part even though half of us moved far away and we all grew up to have lives
Read more