Making Peace With It

A psychic contacted me recently and told me she was compelled to share a few things about Mike. Most of which were not surprising. The thing that stuck out most was she said Mike didn't originally intend on committing suicide. That was not his immediate intent.
And this is something I really wrestled with. When I called 911 that night he got to the first landing, holding a loaded rifle. He looked up at me and said "you called the fucking cops?!" It just seemed so odd to me. So unusual. 
The question in my head was what was his immediate intent? Was he just trying to scare me? Did my calling the police make him feel as if he now had no choice? Was he planning on something worse?
After all these thoughts I relived the last few moments of his life, every detail. I know now that I wouldn't have changed the way I handled it. From the moment I heard the bolt of that gun click and knew he had a loaded weapon in the house I had a duty to protect my children. They are first above all else. There was absolutely no reason for him to be carrying around a loaded gun and it had never been done prior to that moment.
The next day I found a status on his Facebook page saying goodbye. It was posted an hour before the shot rang out. He was found with nothing on him but his drivers license. His wallet and phone were found in our bedroom the next day.

The bottom line is I have made peace with my decisions that night. I am a mother and must always protect my kids. Even when it's from a man who loved them deeply. I can't second guess what his thoughts or intentions were. There is no way to know. I am positive I did the right thing. 
I wish it never happened but I can't change a thing. I have forgiven myself and him. If I had to do it again, I wouldn't have done anything different.

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