Limbo

I wonder how long this is going to last? I'm not at my darkest, not in denial, not consumed with grief but still having a hard time letting him go. I still feel a constant dull pain in my heart. An emptiness within. I feel a bit frustrated with myself. 

It's almost December, the holidays are coming up and it won't be our first Christmas without him but it will be our first Christmas since he's passed.

I made the mistake of saying "chicken butt" today to Kira and immediately cringed. Instead of making her sad, she smiled and closed her eyes saying "My dad used to call me that!" I have been avoiding words and phrases that we have always used with them because I was afraid to make them more upset. I realized in that moment that they need them. They want to hold on to those memories. I want to as well.

What do I keep and what do I let go? 

When will I feel whole again? 

When does the hurt stop?

 I've let go of anger, resentment, rage, denial. But I still feel pain, abandonment, and sadness.

The entire time he was in the Marines I was waiting for something, a deployment to end, a new duty station, retirement....

Retirement was the "promised land". 

We said if we can make it through the Marines we can make it through anything. I concede. Here I am alone and still waiting. Not shattered into a million pieces but not whole either. Somewhere in between...