Yes, this is my life

I haven't blogged a lot lately because I can't sleep, or sleep when I should be awake.  I've been focusing on rekindling my interests in my waking hours.. I thought the creativity I held so dearly was gone with Mike. So I decided to just try. Just see if I still had it. As it turns out I still have it and it's making me happy. We bought a house and will be closing soon. It has a formal living room so I've been working on pieces for that area. I've been picking up stuff from resale shops and making them new. I'm excited about it. Which is also new. Excitement. If I can't sleep I might as well be making awesome pieces of furniture. You'd think sanding and carrying around huge dressers would exhaust me. Psh...

Literally. I've been having a really hard time with sleep lately. I had a sleep study and it concluded I have restless leg syndrome. I had a follow up earlier this week with my primary and explained to her that I wake up several times a night really disoriented and not knowing exactly where I am. She's sending my sleep study results to the best neurologist in the area to reevaluate the results but in the meantime she's given me Trazadone. It's supposed to aid patients with PTSD related insomnia and nightmares sleep. I sleep but oh my gosh my dreams are terrifying and so vivid. I remember ALL of them. ALL OF THESE DREAMS HAVE A CENTRAL THEME. PROTECTING MY KIDS DURING A VIOLENT AND TRAUMATIC ATTACK. FOR INSTANCE: In this dream I was sleeping on the couch in the living room. One of my kids was at the other end. The rest of my kids were asleep in front of the couch. I heard something at the front door. Then a man walks in. I can tell by the way he's walking he's...

So I was on twitter today and one of the military analysts for CBS posted the new study showing there is no link between deployment and vet suicide. The study isn't new. I've been talking about it for awhile now. But anyhow, what it says is silly...obvious and useless. I will tell you what it says and we'll go over why I think this way. It says *gasp* it's not the combat vet who's seen war that is more likely to die by suicide but the service member who never did, and never finished one enlistment. ...well duh?! Let's think of why someone doesn't finish one enlistment. Injury. SUBSTANCE ABUSE Mental illness Criminal activity We already know that people who have chronic pain, drug and alcohol issues, mental health struggles and problems legally are more likely to kill themselves. They are in a high risk category. It's the reason they were likely kicked out of the military in the first place so their affiliation to the military is not as important...

After Mike died my life silently spun out of control. I was doing anything I could to numb the pain. I was drinking, smoking pot, taking prescription drugs. People would just hand me something and tell me it would help. It was completely acceptable in the scenario. After all my husband just killed himself feet from me....from my family. They all had the best intentions. I was making bad choices, I slept with an old flame who was married. All terrible coping methods that really just made things worse. I hadn't touched drugs since I was a teenager. And then I had only smoked pot a few time and tried acid. I was never into substance. I wasn't even a drinker before Mike died. Most of our arguments before he died was about his excessive drinking and there I found myself doing it too. Irony, hypocrisy. I finally felt as if I couldn't go on. I didn't want to hurt myself I just didn't want to wake up when I went to sleep. My sister and I decided to check me in to the psyc...

***please excuse this rant but I must vent or I may explode*** Mike died 19 months ago. Everyone who reads my blog knows he died 135 days after serving 20 years and retiring. He served 4 tours in Iraq. He first started showing signs of ptsd in 2005 and I personally went to his command and pleaded for help. They brushed it under the rug. Maybe they thought they were helping to save his career by ignoring it. But for whatever reason he was never treated so his condition just worsened over the years. He retired in 2013. That's EIGHT years he suffered. We suffered. He died at 135 days post retiring. The insurance he had only covered 120 days. No life insurance. He died so early in his retirement he wasn't rated for disability. Since his death we've been fighting for them to rate his death service connected. We weren't even unpacked when he put that rifle in his mouth. So, no survivors plan. No DIC, no education benefits. The VA lost his complete medical record. I stayed ...

I've talked before about the most recent DODs  "findings" regarding servicemember/vet suicide. They cited "domestic discourse" as the common denominator. I laughed. THEY DIDN'T EVEN TRY!  Have you ever met someone with an undiagnosed or ill treated or newly developed case of ptsd or tbi? None of their marriages are picturesque.  You're going to find it almost all ptsd cases of a married individual. They also cited financial issues. PTSD specifically turns molehill into mountain. We cannot cope with every day stressors the way we used it. Don't blame it on the family. GO DEEPER. IF YOU ACTUALLY CARE AND WANT TO HELP FIX IT! Let me drop some numbers on you here: one-third of all our countries homeless people are combat vets. 76% have drug alcohol and mental health issues. I firmly believe that happy healthy people don't turn to drugs and alcohol. It's a symptom of a deeper issue. People want to treat addiction but don't touch WHY they use ...

I had a dream last night. One like many others I've had since Mike died. As dreams go they usually don't make a whole lot of sense but I think got the message this on intended. I woke up sad but relieved in a way. In the dream Sean, the kids and I were all goofing around in the living room. It was just an average day. Nothing out of the ordinary. The doorbell rang. I opened it to see Mike standing there and I was speechless. Sean could tell by my body language something was wrong so he came over. The look on his face was as if all the light had drained from his soul. Mike said "I'm here to take my family back..." I still couldn't say anything. Sean then kissed me on the cheek and told me he should go. And he did without so much as a misstep. Out the door and he disappeared. Mike was back but it was the same Mike he'd been in the months leading to his passing. IN MINUTES the kids realized it. The same tension  that thick presence had returned to our home...