Grief Roadblocks

You will learn as I have that in grief, there is no wrong or right way to get through it. There is no formula to follow. If you did find a "how-to" online...I'd be leery about trusting it. I certainly wouldn't suggest that for my Mentees. Having said this, I have noticed in my own grief and in helping others that there are several "roadblocks" we may arrive at in our journey. I can't say they will happen to everyone. Only that these possible scenarios can happen and knowing ahead of time, being prepared may help you over the hurdles or possibly around them completely. I hope by mentioning these things you can assess your own situation and move forward. If they aren't something you find familiar now it's nice just to keep handy for the future. I find its also helpful in understanding others grief. Their personal path.

One of the biggest roadblocks I've experienced and observed in others is substance abuse. When we aren't given the tools in life to cope with such traumatic events so often we just want to "numb" ourselves. Alcohol for example, is readily available and socially acceptable. Who could possibly judge you for wanting a drink in our current state? The problem with turning to substance can lead to addiction. That addiction creates a whole new problem. This problem overshadows your grief, puts it terminally on the "back burner". You then have to tackle the addiction and get that under control before you can even address your grief. Which...was the reason you began to use in the first place. Substance compounds your problem. I'm not saying grief is a molehill but when the mountain of addiction overshadows your grief it's going to set you back.

I have never been a drinker or user if substance but I had my "ah-ha!" Moment about a month after my husband's suicide. I admitted myself into the hospital because I thought for sure I'd lost my mind the day he died. The protocol is to drug test all new patients. I popped for every substance tested: amphetamine, marijuana, benzos, alcohol and even cocaine. I was shocked. I knew for sure I hadn't done cocaine but realized I had done everything else. The test was ran again a few hours later and the cocaine was a false positive. That was my moment. Although I'd stayed away from substance for 34 years of my life in the four weeks since he died I lost all control. Grief can do that. I knew the way I was dealing with it would surely do me in. I HAD to change my coping skills.

I only spent 6 hours in the psych ward of the hospital and that was because I checked in at midnight. First thing the next morning the doctor evaluated me and to my surprise I heard I wasn't crazy at all. I was grieving and suffered PTSD from witnessing my husbands suicide. The reassurance and light bulb moment from the night before gave me the jump start I needed to make changes in my life. For myself and my kids. If we were going to get through this I was going to need to learn a better way. Not everyone gets this "hand-up". I was very fortunate in this way. I caught it before it had full control. I am a child of addiction. My family struggles already. I hope this may have some impact on your own fight. It can be a game changer.

Another huge setback in grief is the "blame game". Mike had PTSD for almost a decade before he died. He was a Marine for 20 years. After he died I blamed the war, the Marine Corps, THE VA. I spent so much time blaming them that I put my grief on hold. It took on a life of its own. I was taking all the rage and anger I felt in his death on everyone but HIM. I didn't realize how much this was effecting my healing until I learned my in laws were blaming ME the same way I blamed the government. I was crushed but in understanding why they did this to me I got a handle on what I was doing too.

I learned that blame is common. It gives the survivor a target for their pain. It's a coping mechanism. As long as you can blame some one or something for your pain and loss you don't have to stare down the real problem. It works for a while. It gives you a false sense of satisfaction releasing that rage. But, you're spinning you're wheels. You are expending energy that can be used bettering yourself. When I understood why my family blamed me I was able to stand back and notice...wow! I'm doing the same thing but with a different target. I let my anger for the wrong people go. I refocused on my grief. I can never change the way my family thinks or make them realize what they are doing is harmful to all involved but I have a good understanding of where it comes from and had they not felt this way I would not have seen my own roadblock. It was a blessing and a curse. I can now empathize with their pain because I chose to investigate the stem. We are all hurting. And how we process this pain will be different. As I said before there is no wrong or right way but some ways will take you on a longer path.

No matter which path you pick, keep moving forward. I am constantly taking cues and lessons I learn in my interactions with other survivors. I have no intention of dropping my journey and setting up homestead in the middle of my walk. I will know where I'm headed when I get there.

"For now slow and steady is my pace. I have full knowledge it's a journey not a race."

This is my mantra.