Suicide And Desertion
Losing your spouse to suicide makes a person feel pretty much the same as if your spouse went out for a pack of smokes and never came back. All the emotions of being abandoned are there. It's like being dumped but you can never ask why or what you did to cause it.
I have never been dumped by a boyfriend before in my life. I married all the boys I dated and I divorced my first husband. I have always said good bye first.
...Mike really got me good on his adios. Burn. He got his last laugh.
I never had a frame of reference on being the dumpee. I assumed it was like in movies and tv. They sit around in dumper's old clothing, crying, singing off key along to sappy love songs with mascara running down your face, and eating ice cream.
It's not a cliche...I actually did all of those things after Mike died. Saved By The Bell had the breakup depression spot on! Too bad I didn't find out how relatable it was until 20+ years after the show ended.
I will never know why. I will never run into him years down the road and get to ask. We won't laugh and reminisce about our relationship while we sip ridiculously overpriced coffee in a crowded chain shop.
When they die you have to make peace with not knowing so many things. You have to constantly remind yourself that YOU didn't cause it. It doesn't mean you're not good enough. It's not a reflection on you as a partner. You can't learn ftom your mistakes and "do better next time."
Suicide just is.
Period. It's final. Abrupt.
And while you're trying to navigate through life without your partner, grieving the loss of someone who, literally your life revolved around; you also have to deal with the soul crushing self esteem issues that come with this type of desertion.
It's a real bitch.
We know the right answer and that is realistically we know it wasn't our fault. They were sick. It doesn't stop us from having moments when we can't seem to step out of the dark shadow of self doubt.
No matter how evolved you are as a human... How educated you are on suicidology and the mindset of someone in crisis... how good you thought your relationship may have been before the suicide...the abandonment issues will pop up.
Because, Suicide just... Is. It's not rational or reasonable. It just is.
I have never been dumped by a boyfriend before in my life. I married all the boys I dated and I divorced my first husband. I have always said good bye first.
...Mike really got me good on his adios. Burn. He got his last laugh.
I never had a frame of reference on being the dumpee. I assumed it was like in movies and tv. They sit around in dumper's old clothing, crying, singing off key along to sappy love songs with mascara running down your face, and eating ice cream.
It's not a cliche...I actually did all of those things after Mike died. Saved By The Bell had the breakup depression spot on! Too bad I didn't find out how relatable it was until 20+ years after the show ended.
I will never know why. I will never run into him years down the road and get to ask. We won't laugh and reminisce about our relationship while we sip ridiculously overpriced coffee in a crowded chain shop.
When they die you have to make peace with not knowing so many things. You have to constantly remind yourself that YOU didn't cause it. It doesn't mean you're not good enough. It's not a reflection on you as a partner. You can't learn ftom your mistakes and "do better next time."
Suicide just is.
Period. It's final. Abrupt.
And while you're trying to navigate through life without your partner, grieving the loss of someone who, literally your life revolved around; you also have to deal with the soul crushing self esteem issues that come with this type of desertion.
It's a real bitch.
We know the right answer and that is realistically we know it wasn't our fault. They were sick. It doesn't stop us from having moments when we can't seem to step out of the dark shadow of self doubt.
No matter how evolved you are as a human... How educated you are on suicidology and the mindset of someone in crisis... how good you thought your relationship may have been before the suicide...the abandonment issues will pop up.
Because, Suicide just... Is. It's not rational or reasonable. It just is.
Comments
Post a Comment