#MeToo
The recent sexual assault awareness campaign #MeToo encourages women to speak out. I've shared my personal story before but will again so other women may be empowered to take the control back from their attackers. Fear and silence only allow them to continue their dominance over your life and possibly others.
My story is not about a random attack from a stranger in a dark alley. I knew them. Two were related to me by marriage. One ended up being a long term boyfriend through two years of my teens.
The first time I was sexually abused I was about 7. It was my step father's brother, my uncle. In school they told us to tell our parents if anything ever happened. I did. They asked him. He denied it and nothing ever happened. I was forced to see him at family functions and the likes the rest of my childhood and into my 20s. He died 4 years ago. I wasn't sad. I felt relief. I knew he'd molested his own daughter before me and it wasn't until he divorced his wife and she took my cousin that he turned to me as a vixtim. My cousin is now a heavy addict with major mental health issues. Not even his death has liberated her to seek help. She's too far gone. I know why she got to this place and it hurts me knowing she can't reach out.
The second time was an adult cousin. My mom was in rehab at the time, I'm pretty sure my step father was in jail. We'd lived with a family friend. There was no one I could even tell and the last time I did no one helped so I learned to not trust men. Keep my distance. I never once sat on the lap of a loved male family member, I refused to show any affection and thought if that happened twice in two different homes with two different male family members I must have been responsible. I must have given some sort of sign at 7 and 8 to show interest. I felt terribly dirty and ashamed. It stayed with me a very long time.
The third time I was 15 and infatuated with a 22 year old man who was hanging out with a neighbor. One night he offered me a beer and we sat talking on the side of my house for hours. I felt special. He was older, he wanted to talk to me. We continued to drink for quite some time. I don't recall anything until the next morning. I woke up in a strange room with no clothes on. And to the sound of someone snoring on the floor beneath me. I was so confused and scared. How did I get here? Where is here? The person on the floor was a guy who I'd seen the night before. Then the door opened. It was the 22 year old I'd crushed on. He explained that his parents were going to wake up soon he had to take me home. I could tell we'd had sex but I remembered nothing. I was 15. I'd never stayed the night at a boys house. Slept over. I don't even know how he got me to his house. He had to have carried me. I couldn't walk to a car. Then I realized my mom probably had no clue where I was. I am sure I didn't tell her "hey I'm going to spend the night with this adult guy I just met!" No one even knew where I was.
I felt sick. Hung over and disgusted with myself. How could I let this happen? Did I ask for this? I got drunk. It's my fault. I tried so hard to remember anything from the night before. Nothing. Only sitting on the yard beside my house drinking from a 40 oz.
I couldn't even look at him the entire drive home. He asked me several times if something was wrong. I could say nothing. Only count down the moments until I was let out of the car down the street from my house. He didn't even take me all the way to my home. I cried. How could I have done this? What did I say that gave him the impression I was interested? I was so ashamed that a few days later he asked me to be his "girlfriend" and I accepted. I decided I'd clearly already had sex with him. I'd be less of a "whore" if he was my boyfriend. That started a two year relationship so explosive, so abusive. The rest of the relationship was as terrible as what brought us together in the first place. He had alcohol addiction and I later learned he had a "thing" for 15 and 16 year old girls. I know now that he dated young impressionable girls for a reason. He could mold and persuade young girls to his will. He used his position as an older cool guy to gain their trust.
It was date rape. Minus the date, just add booze and a 15 year old girl with no tolerance and a crush. It wasn't until I was an adult that I knew what happened that night was NOT consensual sex. I was not even awake to consent.
I share this because often times girls are given the impression they had some responsibility in what happened. They dressed or acted in a way that made it clear she was "asking for it". I encourage girls to break their silence. Not to punish the attacker but to not allow that person to control their lives. Get help. For you. For your future. The events in out lives definitely do color how we see ourselves and the world. It changes our decision making, our self confidence and leaves you a victim for life if you don't stare it down and say it happened but it's not who I am. It does not determine my worth. It's not my fault. It's not a reflection of who I am. That is the fault of the attacker. His issues. I'm not going to carry HIS issues for the rest of my life. Free yourself. Forgive yourself.
My story is not about a random attack from a stranger in a dark alley. I knew them. Two were related to me by marriage. One ended up being a long term boyfriend through two years of my teens.
The first time I was sexually abused I was about 7. It was my step father's brother, my uncle. In school they told us to tell our parents if anything ever happened. I did. They asked him. He denied it and nothing ever happened. I was forced to see him at family functions and the likes the rest of my childhood and into my 20s. He died 4 years ago. I wasn't sad. I felt relief. I knew he'd molested his own daughter before me and it wasn't until he divorced his wife and she took my cousin that he turned to me as a vixtim. My cousin is now a heavy addict with major mental health issues. Not even his death has liberated her to seek help. She's too far gone. I know why she got to this place and it hurts me knowing she can't reach out.
The second time was an adult cousin. My mom was in rehab at the time, I'm pretty sure my step father was in jail. We'd lived with a family friend. There was no one I could even tell and the last time I did no one helped so I learned to not trust men. Keep my distance. I never once sat on the lap of a loved male family member, I refused to show any affection and thought if that happened twice in two different homes with two different male family members I must have been responsible. I must have given some sort of sign at 7 and 8 to show interest. I felt terribly dirty and ashamed. It stayed with me a very long time.
The third time I was 15 and infatuated with a 22 year old man who was hanging out with a neighbor. One night he offered me a beer and we sat talking on the side of my house for hours. I felt special. He was older, he wanted to talk to me. We continued to drink for quite some time. I don't recall anything until the next morning. I woke up in a strange room with no clothes on. And to the sound of someone snoring on the floor beneath me. I was so confused and scared. How did I get here? Where is here? The person on the floor was a guy who I'd seen the night before. Then the door opened. It was the 22 year old I'd crushed on. He explained that his parents were going to wake up soon he had to take me home. I could tell we'd had sex but I remembered nothing. I was 15. I'd never stayed the night at a boys house. Slept over. I don't even know how he got me to his house. He had to have carried me. I couldn't walk to a car. Then I realized my mom probably had no clue where I was. I am sure I didn't tell her "hey I'm going to spend the night with this adult guy I just met!" No one even knew where I was.
I felt sick. Hung over and disgusted with myself. How could I let this happen? Did I ask for this? I got drunk. It's my fault. I tried so hard to remember anything from the night before. Nothing. Only sitting on the yard beside my house drinking from a 40 oz.
I couldn't even look at him the entire drive home. He asked me several times if something was wrong. I could say nothing. Only count down the moments until I was let out of the car down the street from my house. He didn't even take me all the way to my home. I cried. How could I have done this? What did I say that gave him the impression I was interested? I was so ashamed that a few days later he asked me to be his "girlfriend" and I accepted. I decided I'd clearly already had sex with him. I'd be less of a "whore" if he was my boyfriend. That started a two year relationship so explosive, so abusive. The rest of the relationship was as terrible as what brought us together in the first place. He had alcohol addiction and I later learned he had a "thing" for 15 and 16 year old girls. I know now that he dated young impressionable girls for a reason. He could mold and persuade young girls to his will. He used his position as an older cool guy to gain their trust.
It was date rape. Minus the date, just add booze and a 15 year old girl with no tolerance and a crush. It wasn't until I was an adult that I knew what happened that night was NOT consensual sex. I was not even awake to consent.
I share this because often times girls are given the impression they had some responsibility in what happened. They dressed or acted in a way that made it clear she was "asking for it". I encourage girls to break their silence. Not to punish the attacker but to not allow that person to control their lives. Get help. For you. For your future. The events in out lives definitely do color how we see ourselves and the world. It changes our decision making, our self confidence and leaves you a victim for life if you don't stare it down and say it happened but it's not who I am. It does not determine my worth. It's not my fault. It's not a reflection of who I am. That is the fault of the attacker. His issues. I'm not going to carry HIS issues for the rest of my life. Free yourself. Forgive yourself.
Comments
Post a Comment