Damaged People

My husband's suicide is not the reason I'm a damaged person. That began long before his death. Statistically I was more likely to end up in an abusive relationship because of my childhood. It's not something you consciously go out and look for either. It just happens. Like attracts like.

I thought back then in my 20s if I got far enough away from the chaos and addiction and bad environment I could have a chance at "normal". I didn't realize then that what I was running from already lived inside of me. The damage was already done. I just went from one unhealthy environment to another. Neither better or worse, just different. It wasn't until after Mike died and I began working on myself that I learned I will always be this way until I address the issues inside me. It doesn't matter where I go. Just being away from a bad situation won't fix it. I would always end up with the same or similar outcome because it's me that's broken.
I'm not saying his suicide was easy to manage. Not at all. I'm not blaming his death for my mental health or even my childhood. Not my parents or the circumstances. I'm going to be 38 next year and how my life is lived from this point on is my doing. All the experiences I had up until his passing actually prepared me for the reality of losing him. Had I not gained some coping skills I don't know that I would have made it. I'm not thrilled that life was challenging up til then but it did help in the long run.

I am an imperfect and flawed human. I will never deny that. I am working on me. I hope I always will. I know my value and I know the odds. They are just odds though. It's not a predetermined destiny. Being aware of these things helps make better decisions and work toward becoming a whole person. I'm not sure anyone is ever really "finished" becoming who they are meant to be but I like where I'm headed and that is a pretty good feeling.

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