TAPS NMSSS 2016 Day One

Day 1

Friday September 30

Flight arrived on time in Tampa. Picked up my rental car and drove to Tradewinds Resort in St. Pete.

This resort is huge. It's humid as shit. The weather is going through menopause. Hot and humid one moment...raining the next. Five minutes later hot again with no evidence it even rained to begin with. Rinse and repeat.

The Gulf of Mexico looks a lot like the Lake of the Ozarks.

I registered as instructed. Ran to the Pavillion to eat before next scheduled event. I got my plate at the buffet and purposely found an empty corner table. I sat quietly enjoying my meal. This was my quiet before the storm. I relished in the few moments recharging, looked at my phone, noticed the time and jumped up to rush to next event. As I turned around I was met by another TAPS member with a Team Leader shirt on. She asked me if I was ok. I was puzzled. Asked why? She said she saw me eating alone. I giggled. I told her that was intentional as I am trying to get "me time" in as it can be incredibly draining focusing on others for extended periods and it's important to "recharge" so you can be most helpful. She said "don't I know it!" We both giggled and I walked briskly to the next event.

The particular session I headed to was for peer mentors only. We gathered in a smallish room. Don spoke for a few minutes and introduced a fellow Mentor who was going to lead us in a Intro to Laughter Yoga. I could feel my anxiety rising but I'm a team player. I gave it my best. My best lasted 15 minutes. There were 50 people fake laughing, pretending to toss milkshakes on others, clapping and walking in circles like a Troup of clown zombies. I keed. Sorta. If not for my PTSD I would probably have enjoyed it but right about then my panic attack set in. I walked out. Kept walking. Quickly. To my room.

Don mentioned at the beginning of the session that he wanted all Mentors with successful matches to stick around after the session because he had a special something for us. My panic trumped a special gift. My need to flee took over all else.

I didn't even remember the gift until just a few minutes ago. I wonder what that was?

When I got to my room I lie across my bed breathing for about an hour. I took a bubble bath for the first time in two years. I got into the king size bed with fluffy pillows. Set the alarm on the TV, the clock and my phone. I prayed to God I got to actually sleep a few hours and closed my eyes....

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