Young Widows

Being a young widow is a unique and very odd place to be. When you lose a parent, no one expects you to go out and find a replacement. When you lose a child or sibling, no one can ever fill that spot. However...when you lose a spouse at a young age you are expected and encouraged to go out and find love again. It's a double edged sword too. One opinion is you're replacing your spouse "too soon" and you're judged for it. The other opinion is you haven't healed from the loss and you're emotionally stunted...also judge for it. It's unfair because you're judged either way. No other family dynamic is judged so harshly after loss. It's part society and part psychology. When you feel you will be judged you're going to notice the judgment so much more. 

I would like to say "fuck them all" and do what feels best for you but I'm going through it too and that advice is so much easier said than done. I wish it were that easy....

I keep having a particular dream about Mike. In this dream he's back from the dead. Most of the time he's actually never died but faked his death for whatever reason. Last night he was back and apologizing profusely for hurting us so much in his choice. He was crying and explaining there were no words for the pain, the anger, the questions and devastation it caused. He had kept an eye on us as we walked through our grief and wanted to answer many of the questions we had after he disappeared. The bullets left out were not intended for ending my life and the kids too...it was the result of shaky hands in the last moments of his "final act". He went on...he realized how he'd erred and wanted to make it right. Wanted to make it up to us and promised to be the best man he could to us until his "real death".

I looked at him with the deepest regret and a shattered heart and I said something I never expected I could or would say. I said...no. I told him someone who could put this family through so much pain and hurt could not be trusted. The kids have already grieved his death and are finally happy again and I would not bout them through this type of trauma. I've accepted his passing and have started to live again. I could not ever allow that in my life. It was better he stayed dead. I told him to return to where he had been and stay there. I told him how unfair it was to expect us to pick up like nothing had happened. I told him we are changed forever and the people he left are gone too. Those people no longer exist. I told him I would love him my whole life but he could not stay. 

It was the hardest choice. I could smell him, see the lines in his face and feel the warmth in his breath. He was standing inches from me. What I had prayed for so long. But when I had a choice, when I had the opportunity to say all the things I hadn't when he died. I said good bye. 

Looking back on the dream I feel it was my opportunity to obtain closure. I didn't get a choice when he took his life. There were so many things unsaid. This dream gave me the power to let go. It was as if I gave myself permission to move on. Not to forget him, not to pretend our life together never existed but to be ok with making my new life from this point on. In a way it was as if he gave me permission too. 

It's been two years since his death. No one but other widows knows the scrutiny of the tight rope we walk. We are like circus performers. All eyes are on us. The spotlight blaring. The ominous music playing in the background. Will she make it across? Drumroll....

Give yourself permission to climb down the ladder, take off your bedazzled leotard and quit the circus. Consider putting in my two week notice. Your choices aren't a death defying act for the world to hold their breath in suspense waiting to see. When you think about it no matter what your situation in life is someone somewhere is going to judge you. 

I've decided I will do my best to continue balancing the past present and future from the safety of solid ground. I will honor his memory, and keep sharing everything I know about him with our children while moving forward and creating a safe, healthy environment for our kids. My situation is slightly different as I share my journey for the world to see. Not because I love the white hot eyes of judgment on me but because I know how many of you out there are struggling to make sense of all this and my experience can remind you, you're not alone. All that you are feeling we are too. The Young Widows Club. Not only am I the president...I'm also a member...(old hair replacement commercial. Yes. I've got the ADD. My mind wanders.)

You're going to be judged not just by the ignorant bystanders but by yourself. We can be our own worst enemies in grief...and beyond. Surround yourself with others who have been there or who are there too. Only we can fully appreciate the chaos. Peer support is so amazing. There really is no such thing as The Young Widows Club. But there is the Tragedy Assistance Program (TAPS). Google it. Taps.org. They will give you resources and connect you with others widows who need you as much as you need them. As well meaning as our friends and family are they don't always know how to help and sometimes say the most ridiculous things in an effort to support you.

*** I am a member of TAPS and a Peer Mentor but it's not a shameless plug. I really whole heartedly believe the support they have provided me in the past two years made the difference. I am not in a psychiatric ward today because they were there to remind me it's grief...not madness.***